the title is self-explanatory, hmm?


New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

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lmao, very nice first joke... i dont have any good ones.. but i do have a musical one.

How did you know the kid on the playground was a trombonists child?

[spoil]he couldn't swing and he complained about the slide[/spoil]

im sorry to any trombonists..

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How can you tell that the riser on which a drummer's kit stands is level?
He's drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.

What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Overqualified.

How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
Shoot one.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

What do you tell a drummer with two black eyes?
Nothing - you've already told him twice!

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[/url]

OK, here's one I like:
A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist: "Do you have any duck food?" The pharmacist says "no, you silly duck, get out of my store and don't come back". The duck leaves, but returns the next day to ask: "Do you have any duck food?" The pharmacist gets very angry, and begins to scream at the duck: "I told you yesterday, we DON'T have any duck food, never had any duck food, don't plan on ever having duck food, and if you EVER return to this store, I will personally nail your feet to the floor!" The duck ruffles his feathers and waddles out, only to return the next day, he asks: "Do you have any nails?" The pharmacist, confused, answers "No", and the duck then says "Do you have any duck food?"
It's better in person, but, well, you know.......

P. S. Seeing the words "junior member" beneath Bad MaNneR$ name just.looks.wrong.

__________________
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, laugh uncontrollably.. and never regret anything that made you smile.

What do you get if you cross a piano and a women????????????
Well ?????
come on then tell me???
For pitys sake i aint got all day. are you gonna tell me then or not.

Did I post this before or after the deletefest? I forget... oh well, have it again cos I chuckled...

>I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
> A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
> I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
> On the morning of her birthday he rose early, made her a nice big
>bowl of
> Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
> What a Day!
> He put her on every ride in the park:
> * The Death Slide
> * The Wall of Fear
> * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
> Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
>reeling
> and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a
>McDonalds
> where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
and a
> refreshing chocolate milk shake.
> Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
> popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favorite lolly and M&Ms .
> What a fabulous adventure!
> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
> exhausted.
> - - - - - - -
> He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
>"Well
> Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
> - - - - - - -
> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed "I meant
my
> dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
> The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still
going
>to
> get it wrong.

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BM didnt you know IM A DRUMMER?

Oh i have to post my joke again........

Knock Knock.....

Who's there.....

Interrupting Sheep...

Inter......

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

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Erm ....... No.

But if that is the case. Would you like me to explain any of the jokes to you?

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My dad told me that when he dies he wants to be cremated. So i gave it a little thought and i decided that when i die, i want to be chocolated.

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grrr.. no, i know what they mean...
not ALL drummers are stupid...

Absolutely BRILLIANT! i am so going to use that one on my brother :D:D thanks for sharing.

and on the drummer jokes... no comment! I'm with you, element :D what would a band be without us drummers.. let them talk :P

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Rastafari is not a culture, it's a reality

oh, Java, you need to re-post that one you had of all the metaphors that were found in actual high school pieces of writing...

"the little boat floated across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't"

__________________

And it always works, because if you don't manage to interrupt in time, they end up saying "Interrupting Sheep Poo"

You'd never heard the sheep joke before?! :o
Heh.

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back,
"It doesn't matter..... just get out!"

I got sacked from my first job because I smiled too much.

I said if you don't like the way I smile, get yourself another funeral director.

__________________
[/url]

If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer:

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

__________________

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Every now and then I copy-paste a joke that really makes me laugh out loud, and to get this thread filled up again, here's the collection so far! Enjoy :D

------------------------------

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

----------------------------------

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What the hell happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

--------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

------------------------------

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 1995-10-10.

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

--------------------------------


MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

------------------------------

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

----------------------------------------


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

-------------------------------


A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.

However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

-------------------------------------

Dave is boasting at work again about how he knows absolutley EVERYONE. His workmates report him to the boss for spreading his wild remarks and pissing them off.
His boss drags him into his office and tells him to stop telling porkies.
Well Dave is annoyed and says to his boss that he DOES know everyone and tells him to name someone so he can prove it.
Ok the boss says , how about Paul Mcartney.
Pfft, says Dave , me and Paul are like brothers, i used to carry the instraments for the Beatles years ago , lets go and see him.
So off they go , Paul answers the door and quickly notices dave and askes them in for a drink and to talk about the old days.
Well, The boss is impressed but thinks maybe it was a lucky fluke so he then names The QUEEN as his next person.
Me and Liz , says paul , we go way back , i used to walk the Corgis years ago.
Anyway , Liz answers the door and invites dave and his boss inside to meet the corgis and to have a cup of tea.
The boss again is impressed and tells dave that if he knows this last person he will tell everyone at work to leave him alone and that he knows everyone.
Ok , The pope.!

well dave turns to his boss and says , ha ha ha , me and John Paul , we used to go to the same church as each other and drink in the same pub.Lets go see him.
So they fly to Rome and stand outside the Vatigan amongst thousands of people. Dave looks about and tells the boss that the pope will never see him here. Wait here he says and i will come out on the balcony with him.
Anyways , sure enough , out comes dave and waves to his boss.
Afterwards he goes to find his boss and finds him unconcious on the ground , he finally wakes him up and asks if the shock was too much for him because he knew the pope.his boss replied...

No , The shock was when the bloke next to me asked ...


"Who The Fu**k Is that on the Balcony with Dave...!!!"

---------------------------------

And last but not least, by popular demand!! (lol)

"Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2.. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. "

[THE END]

__________________


Rastafari is not a culture, it's a reality

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Scotland as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."



"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."



As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."



"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."



Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."



"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."



"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"



"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"



"Don't much matter . Just gonna be the two of us."

__________________

To all Employees:

Effective March 2007


Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of
choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the arse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning. About the fifth hole Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died. Later that day in the club house Bill was speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
"Oh, that must have been terrible," they said.
"Yes, it was," said Bill. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a twosome of men following closely behind a twosome of women who were playing pretty slowly. The first fellow said, "Go up there and ask if we can play through!" So up went the second man. He got almost to where the women were and he hurried back without saying a word to them. "I can't go up there. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress! You go ask." "Okay," said the first man, and he started walking up to the women himself. He got almost to where they were and he came running back without speaking to them. "Me too!!!" he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.
"My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.
"No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The Doctor That Had Been Seeing An 80-year-old Woman For Most Of Her Life Finally Retired. At Her Next Checkup, The New Doctor Told Her To Bring A List Of All The Medicines That Had Been Prescribed For Her.

As The Young Doctor Was Looking Through These, His Eyes Grew Wide As He Realized She Had A Prescription For Birth Control Pills. "mrs. Smith Do You Realize These Are Birth Control Pills?"

"yes, They Help Me Sleep At Night."

"mrs. Smith, I Assure You There Is Absolutely Nothing In These That Could Possibly Help You Sleep!"

She Reached Out And Patted The Young Doctor's Knee.

"yes, Dear, I Know That. But Every Morning, I Grind One Up And Mix It In The Glass Of Orange Juice That My 16 Year Old Granddaughter Drinks...and Believe Me, It Helps Me Sleep At Night."


You Gotta Love Grandmas!

__________________
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, laugh uncontrollably.. and never regret anything that made you smile.