Post any jokes you receive by text here. Then I can copy them and send them on and take the credit for all your funnies! Type them exactly as u receive them, txt speak and all! And yeah, text jokes are usually more offensive but that's not my fault is it?

I've sent this one out to a few of you already, it's not the last one received but it's one of my faves.

2 gays, 1 dies. His partner asks 4 his body 2 be made into a curry. When asked why, he replies I just wanna feel him dribble out my arse 1 last time.

Rofl I mean ewwwwwwwwww Lol! I mean urghhhhh

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OH my good god kissy im so offended by that, LIKE NOT lol you go there girl friend i loved it

Message from BT :
Due to line testing your phone will vibrate, for ten minutes,so take this chance to shove it in your knickers and enjoy.
BT making people come together......................

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If you have nothing nice to say then Zip !!!

Michael Barrymore was offered a role in panto this year, but turned it down as he'd done Aladin 6 years ago and not heard the end of it since.

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telegrams, texts, sorta the same thing, right?

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife : "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."

TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

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When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if i'm leaving.

Can i use the C swear word in this thread as its in a text joke that i have, just thought id ask before i got shot down for it

Well if you posted get ♥♥♥♥ed ♥♥♥♥ it will come out with a bunch of ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥

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oh bugger it, I came on to post the Michael Barrymore/Aladdin joke and el-pedro beat me to it.

A woman was in a coma for months. One day the nurses noticed a slight response while washing her fanny. They rushed to her husband and explained, suggesting a little oral sex might bring her round to which he agreed. A few minutes later her monitor flat lined. no pulse or heart rate.

The nurses rushed in "what happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, she may have choked..."

rofl, y'know I've read that tons and have only just got it... I'm always the last to get jokes

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Received today from my friend Tracey:

I'm really pissed off! Someone has just crashed into my car in one of those new Skodas. There's ♥♥♥♥ing jam and sponge everywhere!

A bloke is in the bedroom looking at himself in the mirror, with a great big hard on.
His wife enters the bedroom, and he says to her see im so bloody handsome and horny i even turn myself on.
She replies that my dear is because you have a face like a ♥♥♥♥ A c????

Barrymore is doing a remake of only Fools and horses. Its called Only pools and corpses.

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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband. "Let's try the reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes at it with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

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Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, laugh uncontrollably.. and never regret anything that made you smile.

Two ladies sat in the pub. First one says "Im having a boob job" Second one says "Im gettin my ♥♥♥♥ bleached" First one replies with "Dont think your husband will suit being blonde"

lmao heheheh


Bloke holds a party where each guest has to come dressed as an emotion.
1st guest arrives painted green with N and V across his chest, im green with envy he says.
Woman arrives in a pink body stocking with feathers around her bits, im tickled pink !!

NEXT 2 guests are irish,1 with his dick in a bowl of custard, and one with his knob stuck in a pear,

The host of the party is shocked and asks what they have come as,
"well oim fukn discustard and mick has cum in dispear!!!!!!!!

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If you have nothing nice to say then Zip !!!