THE PROBLEM:

well, as you can see from the title this thread has to deal with girls, but not just any girls, but the ones that live in Jmacville.

So basically there are 3 girls fighting over me:razz: ....
however it is not as fun as one might think. To make things simple, i will number them.:smile:
Girl 1 - crazy really forward hot russian girl
Girl 2 - cute nice kind timid girl
Girl 3 - fun spontaneous a little thicker body girl
Alright, so girl 1 was first in scene. although i kind of got suprised on her forwardness and didnt like it so much, so i kinda eliminated her from the equation, by not doing much social things with her etc. however, i think it may not have been the most clever, nicest way to do it and i think i hurt her a bit, which i dont like to do... and she still tries, just a bit less.
girl 2 was second on the scene. like her, she is my top choice.
girl 3 was not too far off though, and got in as what i thought was a friend, however she is trying to make things a little more than friends. Now 3 is fun and cool and all, but on the risk of sounding shallow, she is not the normal type of girls i date, i mean, i have always dated really skinny girls and she is wide-boned. I really cant get over that (used to think it didnt matter that much, but when faced with the situation it kinda does).
Now here is the problem, 1,2, and 3 all know each other. and 2 has kinda backed off (shes not so assertive) seeing that 1 and 3 are taking the lead. Also, I cant just avoid any of them, cause we all see eachother (along with many other singles) at least 2 times a week.


THE QUESTION:
So. Here is my question to you forumites.

How can I get 3 and 1 off of me, and get to 2 without offending 3 or 1 or making myself look like a complete jerk in front of 2?


any advice would be welcome!

Ask 2 out on a date and if you hit it off then good for the two of you; the others should back off automatically if they respect your choice?

to be honest, you really DO sound shallow. I'm surprised you even give a crap about hurting any of them, if you wouldn't even think about going out with 3 just because she's heavy.
pshhhh.

Ouch elfy... but I have to agree with the elf. I wouldn't usually be that brutally honest but someone else has said exactly what I think and I need to agree. Storm is also right; the other two should back off once you pick any of the girls.

My initial thoughts were 'Why doesn't he just get to know all the three girls properly, then make a decision?'

All three girls fancy you, the chances are they're all going to want to act a little more flirtatious so that's what you see first rather than their *real* normal, casual personalities. That said, if you try and get to know them all a little better first, even in a friendly way then they could take it as you leading them all on at the same time. In which case they might not like you for it and none of them would want you :p

I personally like the sounds of girl number two and for one reason only: You described her as being timid. This word makes me think 'modest' and not a wild/crazy girl who's willing to do things out of her comfort zone to impress you. It makes her sound like she has self respect and although I don't know you too well, I think you have that level of self respect too. So she kinda 'fits' you. The fact that she's already sinking into the background says that she's not going to try desperately to go out with a guy; she'll just let her feelings be known and let you decide what you do with what you know.

to be honest, you really DO sound shallow. I'm surprised you even give a crap about hurting any of them, if you wouldn't even think about going out with 3 just because she's heavy.
pshhhh.

I always wonder when someone calls another person shallow whether they think physical attractiveness plays no part in a relationship.

Some people prefer blondes, some people prefer short people, some people prefer people with tattoos all over, some people prefer skinny people. Why is someone not allowed to know what they like and what they don't without being criticised for it? If someone doesn't like the 'more to love' look, that's their personal attractiveness preference. No biggie.

I always wonder when someone calls another person shallow whether they think physical attractiveness plays no part in a relationship.

Some people prefer blondes, some people prefer short people, some people prefer people with tattoos all over, some people prefer skinny people. Why is someone not allowed to know what they like and what they don't without being criticised for it? If someone doesn't like the 'more to love' look, that's their personal attractiveness preference. No biggie.
Hehe, a very interesting... debate?

I think someone's personality is what matters most. Who they are rather than what they are. I often find that (for both genders) someone might not be very attractive but once I get to know them, they suddenly become attractive on the outside. A girl can suddenly become pretty and a guy no longer looks... ugly to me (I don't say fit, never say it lol :p)

And the opposite also happens. Like a really pretty friend I get introduced to. She seems nice but later she has a sour personality... then she just looks ugly to me. I'm not attracted to girls but I'd quite happily say (to myself) whether they were pretty or not. The pretty factor depends on their personality for me though.

It's definitely interesting.

Another point to consider is that scientifically, it has been proven that attractiveness does matter, if not on a conscious level then at least on a subconscious level e.g. the halo effect. Even babies tend to look at "attractive faces" for longer than "unattractive faces". As we grow older we are able to take other factors into account, but there is definitely an innate bias there.

I agree that personality certainly makes a difference to how physically attractive you find someone, but coming back to the topic at hand - Jmac knows this girl, compliments her personality, and still doesn't appear to be particularly attracted to her. So it seem to me that her personality hasn't impressed Jmac enough for him* to override his initial opinion on her attractiveness.

*sorry for the 'him'. Not being rude, it just sounded weird reading "...hasn't impressed Jmac enough for Jmac to override..."

I always wonder when someone calls another person shallow whether they think physical attractiveness plays no part in a relationship.



No, that's not what I am saying at all. In the very first instance yes, one is usually physically attracted by appearance, but this tends to fade as one gets to know a person, and personality becomes paramount. As jmac seems to know all 3, that is not what is up for debate here. He likes no. 3, and thinks she is fun to be around, but would not want to go out with her because she isn't skin and bones. He gave no other reason than that.
Adorable. :rolleyes:

He likes no. 3, and thinks she is fun to be around, but would not want to go out with her because she isn't skin and bones. He gave no other reason than that.
Adorable. :rolleyes:
An excellent point and I do agree, however Jmac did point this out as being a potential 'matter' for him.
Now 3 is fun and cool and all, but on the risk of sounding shallow, she is not the normal type of girls i date, i mean, i have always dated really skinny girls and she is wide-boned. I really cant get over that (used to think it didnt matter that much, but when faced with the situation it kinda does).

I get the impression that he tried to overcome the appearance issue but found it wasn't for him. So in that sense I can't fault him because he has tried to keep an open mind.

I take it love ent blind then :)

No, that's not what I am saying at all. In the very first instance yes, one is usually physically attracted by appearance, but this tends to fade as one gets to know a person, and personality becomes paramount. ...

Hmm, maybe for you, but I have to say that that's not true for me. I have guy friends whom I love being around, they're tonnes of fun and really really nice. But I don't feel physically attracted to them. If I fell for every guy whose personality I found attractive... well, that would've been a lot of guys. :rolleyes: I don't think I'm shallow for factoring in attractiveness: it works both ways.

THE QUESTION:
So. Here is my question to you forumites.

How can I get 3 and 1 off of me, and get to 2 without offending 3 or 1 or making myself look like a complete jerk in front of 2?

any advice would be welcome!

Well to get back to the original question, without regards to possible shallowness etc.

If you've already decided which girl you want to go out with, what does it matter whether the other two think? Srsly, unless you want "1" and "3" to be available in case "2" doesn't work out....? Man Up, Jmac!

Well, I don't think I'm alone in this....I would hate to go out with someone who was cute, but had no personality or little in common with..what on earth would you talk about?
I am talking long term relationships, btw, not a fling for a couple of weeks, I assumed jmac was talking about the same, iono.

Well, I don't think I'm alone in this....I would hate to go out with someone who was cute, but had no personality or little in common with..what on earth would you talk about?

I don't disagree with that...

Anyway, my response to Jmac's q is in my first post.

I think the discussions in here are interesting, but probably not what Jmac is looking for.

Woah, J.. :eek:

Lol this thread is probably going down a line that Jmac didn't intend, XD

It sounds like you know them all really well, and like AJ said, it comes across as though you have put in the effort to be attracted to girl number 3, 'cause you like her personality a lot. I see no harm in not being attracted to the wideness (lol? :s) of women, 'cause at the end of the day, there are also guys out there who prefer girls with a bit more "meat", rather than a skinnier one. If you're looking for a long lasting relationship, obviously, personality is what comes first for that to last. However, attraction is there at first, too, and as you grow fonder of each other and spend more time with each other, you'll find that attraction doesn't really matter after. What matters is that you just can't find yourself spending the rest of your life without this person - 'cause they know you so well and are always there for you.

I get the impression that you've now decided that girl number 2 is the one for you. So I agree with storm.. ask her out. However, don't think that the other two are just gonna back off. Some people show respect for others to an extent, but when it comes to a competition and they want something that they can't have, trouble sometimes gets caused. Girls = drama. lol. So I'm just saying be prepared for that...


The fact that she's already sinking into the background says that she's not going to try desperately to go out with a guy; she'll just let her feelings be known and let you decide what you do with what you know.

I disagree with this. Of course, that could be the case. But J has said that they all know each other. And I get the impression from the way that you've described the others that the other two might be "hotter" and tend to get the guys they want. Maybe no. 2 feels she's already lost you? (could be the case, ya know). So go to her before it's too late! Don't make yourself have regrets.

Edit: I agree with the last two posts by storm and saffy.

I think the discussions in here are interesting, but probably not what Jmac is looking for.
I disagree! Not only did I just want to say that but maybe this debate/discussion might get Jmac thinking more about what he looks for in his ideal partner. It's good to discuss these things for two reasons: the first being that it opens our minds about what other people look for thus it helps gives pointers and the second being that Jmac's lady could have a totally different way of thinking; he shouldn't just have his own ideas in his mind. It's important and healthy to understand people.

Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that I thought it was amusing how Jmac and others avoided the use of the word "fat" or "larger". Girl #3 might think you're a stick insect Jmac :p I liked the diplomacy :)

I would never use the term "fat" do describe another person, as I was fat myself for many many many years, and I know how hurtful it can be.
:)

Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that I thought it was amusing how Jmac and others avoided the use of the word "fat" or "larger". Girl #3 might think you're a stick insect Jmac :p I liked the diplomacy :)

Lol, and there I was using the word "meat" heh..
Seriously though, I don't like calling people fat O_o It's such a immature school playground word to use. Another thing... people are so into skinner girls. Well, if you're looking for a long lasting relationship and want kids with someone, be prepared for your woman to put on some weight! Be prepared for stretchmarks and the works! Some guys totally rule out all these things. "Perfection" (in a guys eyes) won't ever last. Sorry Jmac, not telling you off or anything, but some guys are totally like that. They run away as soon as their partner physically becomes something that she wasn't when they first met. Tssk. (and obviously, pregnancy isn't the only reason that people put on weight). Maybe skinnier girl number 2 who you find cute might put on weight and will be wider than number 3? What's gonna happen then?

Sorry if I'm taking this too far. I'm just wondering what you'd do :)

/me sends blessings to her husband who seems to think she's skinnier than she was before she got pregnant and had her baby! LOL!!!!

(btw, I have put on weight! He's just too used to seeing me pregnant, lol). Sorry, I waffle XD

But yeah, like AJ said.. maybe it is good to talk about other things as well. Personally, I"m enjoying reading what others have said, even though some parts aren't related to what you've actually asked. But I do apologise if I've gone on more than you wanted to read.

Ahh right. Hmm... Well I think that attractiveness is a very important factor in starting relationships. If you're not attracted to the person in the first place then it is very hard for it to work. You can't force yourself to like people, you can't force that spark to appear. Just because more people seem to be attracted to skinnier people, that doesn't mean that that's what everyone goes for in the end. That's kinda like a pot dream, like us women, we like to look at hot guys and think yum, but we know ourselves and well I tend to be happy with my choices even if I don't pick the most attractive guys etc, but I know that if you aren't attracted to the person then it is very hard to get the relationship to work. Personality isn't everything even though everyone may hope it is, and it does become the main thing in the end, but when you start out, it's not just personality.

-shrugs- I think you should take number 2 out on a date or something, or just ask her out. And yeah, tell her you like her because she's probably intimidated by the other two. I think that it's a bit of an odd situation if they're all friends because girl number 2 might not want to betray their trust and hurt your feelings by seeing you and that's why she's backed away. But then that would also mean that the other 2 should back off once you start going for the other girl. :)

I agree with Storm's second post and Sorsie above me. I find it very harsh to call him shallow. As said, especially in the beginning physical attraction very much matters. It's generally what sparks your interest in the beginning. That this is 'culturally inappropriate' or offensive to express it doesn't make it something that shouldn't happen biologically. Believe me, our evolution as creatures would have gone awry if we acted against our instincs on this issue.

I would never use the term "fat" do describe another person, as I was fat myself for many many many years, and I know how hurtful it can be.
:)

People tend to forget that 'skinny' works much the same, for everybody but the one's starving themselves.

Jmac, I'd say try to get closer to #2, ask her to hang out with you more often (alone, especially, but in company too, even with the other 2 around), and just talk to her a bit more so that she regains some lost confidence in seeing her together with you. Move on from there :) Good luck-- it's not the most ideal situation, but if you want something, you will have to act.

girl 2 was second on the scene. like her, she is my top choice.

I would agree that this is a difficult situation, but if you prefer girl number 2 then just make your move.

Alternatively, you could just call in "our Graham" (http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/index.php?title=Blind_Date)

Rooofl. I was thinking exactly that when I saw this thread xDD :P I just must have not mentioned it. :P

CILLA RECOMMENDS NUMBER 2! :O

I'm with Saffron. Ask out the one you like, don't try to find a way to put the others on a waiting list in case #2 doesn't work out.

If #1 is really looking for an answer, just tell her straight that you're not interested! Or just go out with #2, she'll soon get the picture.

People get hurt - that's life. Don't be unnecessarily mean to the other two, but don't be afraid to let them down either. They'll get over it. You'll be doing them more of a favour by telling them straight than you would be stringing them along. Ya know - treat them as you would want to be treated.

And as for the fat/skinny thing - it's just personal preference. Not everyone has to look the same, and no-one should be aiming at an 'ideal' look, but there are just things about each and every one of us that some people will look at and say 'yuk' and others 'yum'. Being comfortable in your own skin is probably one of the most attractive traits you can cultivate.

lol, loved the link.

I think there are some really good posts here, unfortunately i dont have much time as i am going to go hang out with some peeps tonight.

oh and nerdy, i did kinda intend for this thread to take a twist, cause if you just answer the question its kinda obvious that i should just ask 2 out on a date. i was really interested to see peoples views though, and figured "hey, why not through my life out there and see what people think about it"

oh and about the whole "fat" "skinny" thing.
I realize that going pregnant (lol, i liked how it sounded so i kept it) definitely adds weight and even though Nerdy's husband swears by it, its hard to get back to the normal size. understood.
what happened is i have always felt like most of you that sure attraction matters, but personality is the best thing and one can change. I believe that is definitely true to an extent. I find girls that have no personalities as unattractive as Richard Simmons, even if they have a Barbie girl figure. However i tried with num. 3, and really couldnt get it out of my mind, and the opportunity to kiss her was there, and i just couldnt do it. So its not like i ruled her out from the moment i saw her, it just kinda happened.

well anyways, i just got home from work and gotta change and go so im not too late....

I'll take girl 1 off your hands...

and even though Nerdy's husband swears by it, its hard to get back to the normal size. understood.



"normal size"
:rolleyes:

I'll take girl 1 off your hands...

Lol Wife number 2? :P
You haven't even got married and you're setting up the next girl. :P Mahaha. :)


And Elfy I think he meant normal size for that person as in, their old normal body weight. :)