Joke of the Day - iSketch Forum

Java

03-03-2007, 03:45 AM

Every now and then I copy-paste a joke that really makes me laugh out loud, and to get this thread filled up again, here's the collection so far! Enjoy :D

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What the hell happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

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Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 1995-10-10.

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

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Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.

However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

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Dave is boasting at work again about how he knows absolutley EVERYONE. His workmates report him to the boss for spreading his wild remarks and pissing them off.
His boss drags him into his office and tells him to stop telling porkies.
Well Dave is annoyed and says to his boss that he DOES know everyone and tells him to name someone so he can prove it.
Ok the boss says , how about Paul Mcartney.
Pfft, says Dave , me and Paul are like brothers, i used to carry the instraments for the Beatles years ago , lets go and see him.
So off they go , Paul answers the door and quickly notices dave and askes them in for a drink and to talk about the old days.
Well, The boss is impressed but thinks maybe it was a lucky fluke so he then names The QUEEN as his next person.
Me and Liz , says paul , we go way back , i used to walk the Corgis years ago.
Anyway , Liz answers the door and invites dave and his boss inside to meet the corgis and to have a cup of tea.
The boss again is impressed and tells dave that if he knows this last person he will tell everyone at work to leave him alone and that he knows everyone.
Ok , The pope.!

well dave turns to his boss and says , ha ha ha , me and John Paul , we used to go to the same church as each other and drink in the same pub.Lets go see him.
So they fly to Rome and stand outside the Vatigan amongst thousands of people. Dave looks about and tells the boss that the pope will never see him here. Wait here he says and i will come out on the balcony with him.
Anyways , sure enough , out comes dave and waves to his boss.
Afterwards he goes to find his boss and finds him unconcious on the ground , he finally wakes him up and asks if the shock was too much for him because he knew the pope.his boss replied...

No , The shock was when the bloke next to me asked ...

"Who The Fu**k Is that on the Balcony with Dave...!!!"

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And last but not least, by popular demand!! (lol)

"Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2.. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. "

[THE END]

TempusFugit

03-03-2007, 08:55 AM

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Scotland as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter . Just gonna be the two of us."

:razz:

jewels

03-03-2007, 04:02 PM

A New York State senator was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Blackreign

03-03-2007, 09:06 PM

To all Employees:

Effective March 2007

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of
choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

jewels

04-03-2007, 11:13 AM

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice
said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that
was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said." Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still
believe in genies?

Bad_MaNneR$

05-03-2007, 05:20 AM

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the arse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning. About the fifth hole Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died. Later that day in the club house Bill was speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
"Oh, that must have been terrible," they said.
"Yes, it was," said Bill. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a twosome of men following closely behind a twosome of women who were playing pretty slowly. The first fellow said, "Go up there and ask if we can play through!" So up went the second man. He got almost to where the women were and he hurried back without saying a word to them. "I can't go up there. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress! You go ask." "Okay," said the first man, and he started walking up to the women himself. He got almost to where they were and he came running back without speaking to them. "Me too!!!" he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.
"My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.
"No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pootsie

06-03-2007, 11:49 PM

The Doctor That Had Been Seeing An 80-year-old Woman For Most Of Her Life Finally Retired. At Her Next Checkup, The New Doctor Told Her To Bring A List Of All The Medicines That Had Been Prescribed For Her.

As The Young Doctor Was Looking Through These, His Eyes Grew Wide As He Realized She Had A Prescription For Birth Control Pills. "mrs. Smith Do You Realize These Are Birth Control Pills?"

"yes, They Help Me Sleep At Night."

"mrs. Smith, I Assure You There Is Absolutely Nothing In These That Could Possibly Help You Sleep!"

She Reached Out And Patted The Young Doctor's Knee.

"yes, Dear, I Know That. But Every Morning, I Grind One Up And Mix It In The Glass Of Orange Juice That My 16 Year Old Granddaughter Drinks...and Believe Me, It Helps Me Sleep At Night."

You Gotta Love Grandmas!

Bad_MaNneR$

07-03-2007, 05:36 AM

A bloke brought a girl home and as they went into the bedroom she noticed a huge gong in the corner. She asked, "What's with the gong?"

He replied, "Oh that's my talking clock."

"A talking clock? It's a gong. How can it be a talking clock?"

"Watch this."

He picks up the hammer and smacks the gong which lets out an almighty BOOOONGGGGGG!!!!!!!

At which point someone from across the street yells out "Hey Arsehole. Cut the noise out it's two o'clock in the morning!"

Pootsie

07-03-2007, 02:13 PM

A rabbi was asked: "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "We do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Java

07-03-2007, 11:29 PM

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!

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Having completed a course of analysis with his psychiatrist, John tells a friend:
“I always thought I was indecisive”
Friend: “And now?”
John: “I’m not so sure.”

------------------------

Confucius say: 'Man who want pretty nurse, should be patient.'

And: 'Man who run behind car get exhausted, man who run in front of car get tired!'

---------------------

'I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.'
'Have you seen a doctor?'
'No, just spots.'

----------------------

edit:

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

Bad_MaNneR$

08-03-2007, 12:37 AM

edit:

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

Glad you told that as a Tiger Joke and not as a Lion Joke which most people do - thinking that the Lion is the King of the Jungle - Which is rather an odd title, because lions live in the savannah.:smile:

Pootsie

10-03-2007, 12:50 PM

A guy walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave
at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from.
So he finally says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids."

Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from
my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery ???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

gracie

10-03-2007, 11:35 PM

Things Learned From Children
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

The customs of an Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Pootsie

11-03-2007, 03:46 PM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

tasha

11-03-2007, 03:52 PM

Haaa Poots those are awesome :D
And I love your quotey thing =]

Pootsie

11-03-2007, 07:40 PM

Thanks, Tasha, here's a couple more:

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

************************************************** ******************

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

tasha

11-03-2007, 09:48 PM

I don't get the 2nd one xD

gracie

11-03-2007, 10:38 PM

because the Father wants the $5000... xD

Pootsie

12-03-2007, 03:00 AM

Got it now, Tasha? OK, maybe these two will be a little funnier:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Bad_MaNneR$

12-03-2007, 04:50 AM

In a small Irish town, Tommy Lenahan goes to confession. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is the nature of your sin, my son?" asks the priest. "I've been with a woman, Father," replies Tommy.

"Who was it?" the priest asks him.

"I can't tell you, Father, as I wouldn't wish to sully her reputation."

"Was it Annie Murphy?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Bernadette O'Connell?"

"No, Father."

"Perhaps it was Colleen McBride."

"No, Father, it wasn't her."

"Then who was it?" "As I said, Father, I really can't tell you."

"Very well then my son, as a penance you can say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew where his friend asks, "How did you get on?"
He replies, "Not bad. I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

gracie

12-03-2007, 04:59 AM

LOL BM. i love the light bulb one.

Bad_MaNneR$

12-03-2007, 05:28 AM

I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asked.

" Because every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!!"

Pootsie

12-03-2007, 04:52 PM

Love that one, BM, how do you like this one?

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy test.

The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard
that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the
girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for
the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born will bequeath her
two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank
account." He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if
there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f**k her again..."

tasha

12-03-2007, 08:24 PM

Got it now, Tasha? OK, maybe these two will be a little funnier:
Oooh yes I get it now

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Hahahahaha they're good!

In a small Irish town, Tommy Lenahan goes to confession. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is the nature of your sin, my son?" asks the priest. "I've been with a woman, Father," replies Tommy.

"Who was it?" the priest asks him.

"I can't tell you, Father, as I wouldn't wish to sully her reputation."

"Was it Annie Murphy?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Bernadette O'Connell?"

"No, Father."

"Perhaps it was Colleen McBride."

"No, Father, it wasn't her."

"Then who was it?" "As I said, Father, I really can't tell you."

"Very well then my son, as a penance you can say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew where his friend asks, "How did you get on?"
He replies, "Not bad. I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
PMSL at the forum members one, that's brilliant!

wild cherry

12-03-2007, 08:31 PM

Pootsie

13-03-2007, 01:17 AM

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination,
sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best
put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk
into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating.
The woman to ld her friends they were drinking to her impending
end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."The friends were aghast and gave
the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bi***es sleeping with
your father after I'm gone."

Bad_MaNneR$

13-03-2007, 04:00 AM

aerochick

13-03-2007, 04:07 AM

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three Children
outside, still In their pajamas, playing in the mud, with
empty Food boxes and wrappers Strewn all around the front
yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was The front door
to the house And there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding
Into the entry, he found An even bigger mess. A lamp had
been knocked Over, and the throw rug was Wadded against one
wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon
channel, and the family room was strewn with toys And
various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was
spilled on the Counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
Food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a Small pile of sand was spread By the back
door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over Toys and
more piles of Clothes,looking for his wife. He was worried
She might be ill, or that Something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it Made its way
out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, Scummy soap and
more toys Strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay
in a Heap and toothpaste had been Smeared over the mirror
and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife Still curled
up in the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked
up At him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What Happened here
today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every Day when you
come home From work and you ask me what in the world I do
all Day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Bad_MaNneR$

13-03-2007, 05:36 AM

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when there's a knock at the door. A Chinese man with an invoice in his hand says "You sign, you sign." Behind him is a truckload of car exhausts. "You've got the wrong man" Mandela says.

The next day Mandela hears a knock on the door, opens it and the Chinese man is back with a truckload of brake pads. "You sign, you sign" the man says. "You've got the wrong man" Mandela says.

The following day the Chinese man is back. "Don't you understand, you must have the wrong name, who do you want to deliver these to?" Mandela asks.

The Chinese man checks his invoice and says in a heavy accent "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

jewels

13-03-2007, 04:47 PM

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home! While he scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home, but I can't carry this stuff."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady, I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

tasha

13-03-2007, 06:20 PM

aerochick

15-03-2007, 02:10 AM

What's the difference between ooooooooh and aaaaaahhhh?

Three inches.:twisted:

Bad_MaNneR$

15-03-2007, 03:46 AM

LOL aerochick

What's the difference between like, love and showing off?

Spit, swallow and gargle.

Buffers

15-03-2007, 10:40 AM

LOL at you two :biggrin:

QUIKSILVER

15-03-2007, 04:33 PM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love to suck the chocolate off them."

Pootsie

16-03-2007, 01:58 PM

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

QUIKSILVER

16-03-2007, 04:42 PM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ♥♥♥♥♥es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ♥♥♥♥♥es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ♥♥♥♥♥ in the kitchen."

Pootsie

18-03-2007, 03:08 PM

Good one, Quicksilver. I'd heard it years ago, it still makes me laugh.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Arizona "

QUIKSILVER

19-03-2007, 04:23 PM

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Bad_MaNneR$

20-03-2007, 12:28 AM

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

jewels

21-03-2007, 12:07 PM

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British
TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
The Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
To use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

2.0

21-03-2007, 02:35 PM

A married couple is sitting at a café having some cappuccinos and talking, and after a little silence she asks "Honey, what would you do if i died?".

- "i'd mourn you" he said

"Mourn me for a long time?"
- Of course, i'd be devastated...

"Why?"
- Getting on a more serious stance he replied "Because i love you and losing you would be extremely painful..."

She smiled sheepishly, and said "that's wonderful honey!... And tell me, would you get married again?"
- He thought about it for a little bit and said, "No" plainly.

She was a bit uncomfortable with this and said "but honey, don't you like being married?"
- Of course i like it

"So you would get married again?"
He thought about it and said "Well i would mourn for a long time, but i suppose if the opportunity arises and the feeling is right, i guess i would"

"And would you go shopping with her?"
- I guess

"And would you take her to the movies?"
- I suppose so

"And would you play golf with her?"
- Maybe

"And would you let her use my clubs?"
- Nah, she's a leftie.

oops.

QUIKSILVER

22-03-2007, 04:50 PM

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Bad_MaNneR$

23-03-2007, 01:51 AM

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You feckin' bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a feckin' spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

Blackreign

24-03-2007, 07:22 AM

Chav's

1. What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him?

It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9.What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?

A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job?

Can I have a big mac please

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?

Will the defendant please stand

15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville?

Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

A Nova seats 4

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?

Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they'll screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?

A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?

None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower?

He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car Wash

22. Why did the Chav cross the road?

To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college?

The cleaner.

24. A bus full of Chavs was driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

QUIKSILVER

24-03-2007, 04:23 PM

Some of those did make me laugh out loud.

aerochick

25-03-2007, 04:31 AM

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.:twisted:

Buffers

25-03-2007, 02:23 PM

/me chuckles at Aerochick... 'Maybe the standards are different here in the UK.. but you'll find the boyfriend/husband ratio is about the same'. The only advantage in marriage is that you suffer the frustration less often. :razz: lol

Ches

25-03-2007, 07:09 PM

45mins??? That must include dinner, right?

QUIKSILVER

25-03-2007, 08:11 PM

A man went to the doctor with really bad sunburn. The doctor prescribed Calomine Lotion and some Viagra. The man said he understood about the lotion but why Viagra? The doctor said it would keep the bed clothes off him at night.

Bad_MaNneR$

25-03-2007, 10:09 PM

They have started prescribing Viagra in nursing homes. Not for any other reason than it stops the old men from rolling out of bed.

Pootsie

26-03-2007, 05:29 AM

Chav's

1. What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

Pardon my ignorance...what's a chav?

aerochick

26-03-2007, 05:33 AM

oh good, i'm not the only one who had to ask! it's white trash.

Bad_MaNneR$

26-03-2007, 06:35 AM

CHAV: is a derogatory slang term in popular usage throughout the UK. It refers to a subculture stereotype of a person who is uneducated, uncultured and prone to antisocial or immoral behaviour. The label is typically, though not exclusively, applied to teenagers and young adults of white working-class or lower-middle class origin. Chav is used for both sexes, where a male chav is sometimes referred to as a chavster and a female as a chavette. ...

Acronym usage may include:

Council Housed And Violent
Council House Associated Vermin

jewels

27-03-2007, 07:37 PM

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty
quid is fifty quid."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's
fifty quid."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to
Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."

kisskiss

28-03-2007, 10:32 PM

Sean Connery

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the ♥♥♥♥♥ stole ma wallet !"

Fender

29-03-2007, 02:33 PM

A quick and very stupid joke wot I thought of the other day ...

What do you call a martial arts expert who doesn't know how to use a drill?

Chuck Novice

No? suit yourself :razz:

Tigeress

29-03-2007, 10:25 PM

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
_________________

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

kisskiss

30-03-2007, 04:33 AM

MEN'S ENGLISH:

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

OMG I'm never falling for them two again!

Superstud
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Bad_MaNneR$

30-03-2007, 08:25 AM

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose! Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Tigeress

30-03-2007, 04:34 PM

http://www.ken.darke.btinternet.co.uk/NowWhat.jpg

jewels

30-03-2007, 07:15 PM

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly>couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong>with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50and>he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to>watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the>doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,>but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA! (BUPA is private health care)

wild cherry

31-03-2007, 03:24 AM

Gary

31-03-2007, 11:59 AM

Lol nice joke.

tasha

31-03-2007, 12:00 PM

wild cherry

01-04-2007, 03:39 AM

OMG I'm never falling for them two again!

Superstud
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
BLOOMING CLASSIC BABE LOL

aerochick

01-04-2007, 05:54 AM

Recently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past incredible security, he was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a well thought out crime and then make such an obvious mistake, he replied:"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

tasha

01-04-2007, 11:03 AM

Bad_MaNneR$

02-04-2007, 06:54 AM

/me observes that people seem to just post their own comments on jokes rather than actually posting a joke. Is this yet another version of spam, with the blatant intention of boosting their own post totals without actually having made any effort or contribution? Maybe posting "LOL that's funny" and then adding your own joke wouldn't be so bad.........

A northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager, "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says "Okay there's a .303 rifle behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager. "Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch..."

2.0

02-04-2007, 02:52 PM

aerochick

02-04-2007, 03:54 PM

Ahhh...in that case....
/me waits for 2.0's joke since this is the Joke of the Day thread after all.......:twisted:

Thelovebelow

02-04-2007, 03:58 PM

/me awaits both 2.0 and aerochick's jokes..:razz:

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

:embarrassed:

aerochick

02-04-2007, 04:03 PM

very true...shame on me!

Two young children sharing a hospital room begin talking.
Andrew: What are you in for?
Brian: I'm having my tonsils removed.
Andrew: Boy, you're lucky! I had mine removed when I was four years old and for three days all I ate was ice cream and jello.
Brian: COOL! What are you in for?
Andrew: A circumcision.
Brian: Yikes! I had one of those when I was born and couldn't walk for a year afterwards!

tasha

02-04-2007, 06:24 PM

* Bad_MaNneR$;75293 observes that people seem to just post their own comments on jokes rather than actually posting a joke. Is this yet another version of spam, with the blatant intention of boosting their own post totals without actually having made any effort or contribution? Maybe posting "LOL that's funny" and then adding your own joke wouldn't be so bad.........

I've been thinking the same lately and I will ask everyone that if they wish to comment on a joke, or just to say "that's funny", do post another joke, any joke. Thanks.

Also, should one more person complain about this, i will move those commentary posts to the chit chat thread.

Oops, sorry, think that's pretty much aimed at me

Ahhh...in that case....
* aerochick;75382 waits for 2.0's joke since this is the Joke of the Day thread after all.......:twisted:

* Thelovebelow;75384 awaits both 2.0 and aerochick's jokes..:razz:

Hahahaha. =]

Oh wait, now I have to think of a joke xD

Q. What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A. A pat on the head.

QUIKSILVER

04-04-2007, 07:47 PM

Q. What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A. A pat on the head.

I laughed at that:embarrassed:

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied,

"We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?

Milk of Amnesia

Where do cows go when they want a night out?

To the moo-vies!

Quiky hides

tasha

04-04-2007, 09:55 PM

Ahahaha nice ones Quiky!
Had to read the punchline of the first one a couple of times & I don't understand the second one.. o_O

Some more to add to what Tig posted:

Guide to women's English:
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Fy_Nyte

07-04-2007, 11:54 AM

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

lol! That's a good one!

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?

Milk of Amnesia
I don't understand the second one.. o_O

I believe the correct term here is, assonance.

"Milk of Magnesia", is used for treatement of constipation, heardburn and other stuff..

tasha

07-04-2007, 12:13 PM

Oh... I did not know that :biggrin:

/me goes to look up 'assonance'
=]
Oh. I seeee.

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Hm. It's not that funny.

Tigeress

07-04-2007, 12:27 PM

Tiger Woods is in Ireland for a golf tournament , He pulls up his gleaming new BMW into a local petrol station , 'Top of the morning sir - lovely car !' says the old gent who runs the place (and knows nothng about golf whatsoever),

'Hi' says Tiger, 'thank you' - then as he bends to pick up the fuel nozzle two tees fall out of his top pocket ,

The old gent picks them up and asks 'what are these then young man?'

'Well they are tees' Tiger replies ,

'Oh so what are these for then then young man? '

Tiger replies 'Well they are for resting my balls on when I am driving'

'Bloody hell' says the old fella , 'whatever next ....... BMW just think of everything nowadays dont they'

Fy_Nyte

07-04-2007, 02:42 PM

LMFAO! Hahahahaha! That's a good one Tigeress! :biggrin: :biggrin:

Yours is funny too Tasha :razz:

Pootsie

07-04-2007, 04:39 PM

Oh, oh....Fy_Nyte, you're in trouble.....(see posts 87 and 88)

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking
up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks
him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any
time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on
the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty,
clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I
got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"

Tigeress

07-04-2007, 08:05 PM

* Bad_MaNneR$;75293 observes that people seem to just post their own comments on jokes rather than actually posting a joke. Is this yet another version of spam, with the blatant intention of boosting their own post totals without actually having made any effort or contribution? Maybe posting "LOL that's funny" and then adding your own joke wouldn't be so bad.........

I see your point...but anyone can easily boost there post count by posting meaningless stuff on the forum back yard and Chit chat threads.

Anyway....a joke:

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher replied "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided that there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him. Little Johnny said "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Thelovebelow

07-04-2007, 08:36 PM

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

lmao!

--
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse ♥♥♥♥ onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse ♥♥♥♥ from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

tasha

07-04-2007, 09:23 PM

A vacuum salesman knocked on a door of a house and a lady answered it. The vacuum salesman entered the house and threw horsesh♥t all over the carpet and said, “If this vacuum-cleaner doesn't pick up all that horsesh♥t, I'll eat it!”

The lady had a little giggle and said, “Do you want tomato sauce or mustard with that?”

The man thought for a while and finally asked, “What?”

The lady replied, “Well, we've just moved in and we haven't got the electricity switched on yet.”

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse ♥♥♥♥ onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse ♥♥♥♥ from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Ahem... ;P

--------
I think we had this before but it's not in this thread anywhere so it must have been before the forum was cleared. However, for those of you who haven't seen it before:

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

gracie

07-04-2007, 10:04 PM

nice, tasha. xD

i posted this one before the forum got cleared:

There was a man who really wanted a donkey. So he went to the priest, and the priest said, "I have a very good donkey for you. When you say 'Hallelujah,' it will start walking. When you say 'Amen,' it will stop."

The man was very pleased with his new donkey and decided to take a little trip.
"Hallelujah," he said. The donkey started walking.
"Amen," he said. The donkey stopped.

Happily, the man commanded the donkey to walk again. After a while, he got bored and fell asleep. When he woke up, they were nearing the edge of a cliff. Frantically, he tried to stop the donkey but couldn't remember which word to use.

"Bible, church, please, stop!" cried the man. He decided to pray.
"Dear God, please make this donkey stop before we go over the edge of the cliff. Amen."

The donkey stopped, one hoof hovering over nothingness. The man was so happy, that he cried

HALLELUJAH!

whoopsie daisy.

2.0

09-04-2007, 09:25 PM

Sent to me by a puerto rican friend of mine, no offense intended, but i found it hilarious.

A Puerto Rican lady was walking along the beach of Luquillo when she stumbled upon an old beer bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it and...

Poof! a genie appeared.

She talked with him awhile then the genie told her that he would grant her One Wish.
She said to the genie "I heard from Mi Comadre Juana that I could get three wishes if I ever found a Genie".
The genie said "Oh no, sorry mija, Three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. There's only One Wish Genies, i'm one, uno na'mas! So....... whatchu want?

The lady thougth about it a little, and being as kind as she is, she said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony".

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, No jodas ese!! Be Reasonable!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'M BUENO, BUT NOT THAT BUENO!!!!.... I don't think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please, be reasonable."

The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man... I want a nice Puerto Rican boyfriend...You know, one that isn't a nasty drunk, doesn't like prostitues. One that's nice & fun, likes to salsa and helps with cleaning La casa.... I want him to be a good lover and get along con mi mama, and is faithful, and doesn't throw slappings at me. That's what I wish for.........a good Puerto Rican man."

The genie, all wide-eyed shook his cabeza and said, "No jodas Mija!......Let me see that freakin' map again!

Tigeress

09-04-2007, 10:27 PM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

gracie

10-04-2007, 12:11 AM

haha, that one's awesome Tigs. xD

/me searches frantically for a joke

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"You're right. It's mine."

jewels

10-04-2007, 08:55 AM

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on
the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano
bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:
Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you
one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No ♥♥♥♥ !!" says the man,

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?"

Thelovebelow

10-04-2007, 03:51 PM

Oh darn :(
didn't see bm already posted that one

- a friend of mine emailed me this one :
Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in ♥♥♥♥ up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2.0

11-04-2007, 04:16 AM

A Canadian guy walks into a bar on a remote Greek island, and the
barmaid takes his order, a Molson, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get talking and she tells him
she's Canadian too. At the end of the evening Joe asks Darlene if
she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although
she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Darlene is travelling the
world and because she is short of funds and finds him
attractive anyway, she agrees.

The next night Joe turns up again, orders a Molson and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night asks if she
will sleep with him again for $200. Darlene remembers the night
before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night Joe comes in, orders his Molson and sits in the
corner. Darlene thinks that if she pays him some more attention
then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so
she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from and he tells her: "Ottawa".

"So am I...Where in Ottawa?"

"Nepean" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"McCleod Street, by the transitway" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"

He says "2460" and she is totally astonished.

"Whoa - You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 2475!

My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says,

"Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

Bad_MaNneR$

12-04-2007, 06:58 AM

A highway patrolman pulls over a van and in the back he sees a whole bunch of penguins. So he says to the driver, "Mate you really should take these penguins to the zoo."

The driver says, "Yes Officer. Good idea. That's just what I'll do."

Next day - same highway patrolman pulls over the same driver in the same van and looks in the back to see the penguins are still there, but now they all have on sunglasses. He says to the driver, "Mate, I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo."

"Yes Officer. I did. And they had a great time too. So today I'm taking them to the beach........."

2.0

13-04-2007, 09:15 PM

Two 19 year old junkies, Dave and Sid, get busted for possession by police, when they appear in front of the judge, both plead guilty to the charge.

Having heard them, the judge thinks for a minute and says

"You boys are young, and you both admitted your wrongs, so i'm going to put you on probation, but on the condition that you clean up and while you're at it, go on campaign to convince people not to take drugs using our new "This is your brain on drugs" campaign. I want to see you both in a month's time."

So the two junkies go off, and after a month they have their next hearing with the judge.

"So, what do you hve to say Dave?", said the judge.

Dave shapes up and says "i got 9 people to quit drugs with this paper". He shows a plain piece of paper with two circles on it, one large the other small. "I told them the large circle is their brain with no drugs, and the small one is their brain on drugs".

"Very good. What about you Sid", said the judge.

Sid stumbles a little and said "Your honor, man, i got like i dunno, like 50 people off the grass"

The judge frowns in skepticism and asks "And how'd you manage that?"

Sid pulls out the same piece of paper dave had. "man, i was like telling them yeah man, this circle's your a♥♥♥ole now" pointing to the small circle, and then points to the large circle "and this one's your as♥♥♥le when you're sent up the river after you're busted for possession".

bunE

14-04-2007, 08:58 AM

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

TempusFugit

14-04-2007, 11:51 AM

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan!

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies . . . "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, A Smart Blonde Joke! :razz:

aerochick

16-04-2007, 02:46 AM

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers:

If a Packet Hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then the situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Author unknown

Pootsie

16-04-2007, 04:29 AM

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?"

LMAO!!

Here's a quickie:

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot...

Bad_MaNneR$

16-04-2007, 07:12 AM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Pootsie

17-04-2007, 05:37 PM

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Chaos

17-04-2007, 08:51 PM

LMAO nice.

------------------------------

Two men applied for the same job. The employer noticed they had the same skills and credentials, so he devised a simple test to pick one. He walked out to them and said, "You will each think of a sentence that rhymes and ends in Timbuktu."

The two men nodded, and the first began, "Across the Sahara Desert we went, two by two. Our destination was Timbuktu."

The employer nodded and said, "Good, that meets all the requirements." He then looked to the second man, who recited thus:

"Me and Tim, a-hunting we went. Came upon three girls in a tent. Since they be three and we be two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

;)

jewels

18-04-2007, 06:18 PM

FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they
go, they
take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Mellow

18-04-2007, 07:22 PM

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident. Miraculously, both of them got out of their wrecked vehicles without a scratch. " This is a miracle!" said the woman. The man nods. He says, "I can't believe we don't even have a scratch on us." The woman opens her trunk and both are surprised to find a bottle of rum that also made it through the crash. She turned to the man, "WOW the bottle of rum didn't break either, it must be a sign from God, lets drink it and celebrate!"" She reaches over for a couple of plastic cups but finds only one. "She fills the cup full of rum and hands it over to the man. "Drink up honey, this is our lucky day." The man gulps down the rum, fills the cup back up for the woman and hands it over. The woman then says "No, thanks sweetie. I think I'll wait for the police to get here first."

aerochick

20-04-2007, 04:25 AM

It's long but it really made me laugh.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Dave. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a maniac voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right damn number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a******!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a******!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a******!" and hung up.
One day I was at the beer store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a****** (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a******, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch-style, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Paul Wark,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Paul?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Paul, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Paul, you're an a******!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a******s to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called a****** #1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an a******!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Paul Wark."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "A******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch-style, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Paul. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a******," and hung up.
Then I called A****** #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, a******,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a**,"
I answered, "Well, a******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two a******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

Bad_MaNneR$

20-04-2007, 05:38 AM

LMAO that is good.

So a HWP officer is following this BMW being driven by a good looking blonde girl and he notices she is driving with no hands on the steering wheel.

He follows her a while and sees knitting needles. He says to himself, "Jesus H Christ, she's knitting while she's driving!"

So he puts on the siren and lights and gets no response. He pulls up along side her and winds down the window yelling, "PULL OVER!"

She looks back at him with disdain and holding up her knitting says, "No Silly it's a scarf. See?"

tuppence

20-04-2007, 03:49 PM

A man goes into a pub.At the bar the peanuts say
"nice tie".

The man goes to the toilet,in the pub,the condom machine says.
"you look stupid in that tie!"

So the man complains to the barman.
The barman says
"sorry, the nuts are complimentary , but the condom machine is out of order "!:eek:

wild cherry

20-04-2007, 05:45 PM

Staying at a hotel for a business meeting, a city slicker decides to walk round the hotel.
He has almost finished his tour, when he comes to the kitchens.
In he goes, and he see,s the chef makeing apple pies.
But after rolling the pastry and laying it on top of the pie, he then proceeds to use his teeth to put the ridges round the outside of the pie.
The man says "YOU DIRTY B?????? Havent you got a tool for that.
Yes says the chef, but i use that for putting the rings in the doughnuts:eek:

Pootsie

22-04-2007, 07:00 PM

Ewww, Cherry, ewww.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

element212

22-04-2007, 07:24 PM

:eek:

:X

...

Bad_MaNneR$

23-04-2007, 05:39 AM

Two young travellers are braving their way across Mexico behind the wheel of an old van, when they come across a group of bandits standing behind a roadblock. The head honcho walks around to the door, sticks a gun into their faces and says, ‘Start masturbating, gringos!’ Shocked, but fearing for their lives, the pair duly oblige – and, despite the stress, manage to perform. As soon as they finish, the bandit chief leans in and demands: ‘Again!’ They manage a repeat performance, but are then told to continue until, tired and sore, the pair are physically incapable of another erection. ‘Good work,’ smiles the toothless Mexican as a dark figure emerges from the trees. ‘Now drive my sister to the nearest town.’

2.0

23-04-2007, 02:44 PM

A divorced man comes home one day and he's very happy because his daughter turns 21 that same day, which means he has to stop paying child support payments, so he calls his daughter and shortly after the girl's at her dad's house.

"Sweety, i want you to take this check to your mom and to tell her I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR TOO LONG. THIS IS THE LAST BIT OF MONEY SHE'S EVER GOING TO SEE FROM ME!!.

I'd appreciate it very much if you did. Say it like that and come back and tell me her reaction".

He waits for a while, relishing in the thought of what that witch would say. Shortly after the girl comes home.

"So, what did your mom say?"

"She told me to tell you she'd been waiting for too long to tell you you're not my father".

HotPinkBunny

24-04-2007, 02:42 AM

My mum got a this email from one of her friends and I just thought it was funny what some people said in court xD!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ♥♥♥♥t'in me?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ♥♥♥♥t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vik

24-04-2007, 09:46 AM

Sister Mary was relaxing in the bath when there was a knock on the bathroom door. A little perturbed, she called 'who is it?' A mans voice replied 'Tis the blind man - may I enter?'. Sister Mary though for a moment. It was forbidden for her to be naked in the presence of a man, but it was her duty to help the unfortunate and needy. She concluded that as the man was blind, it wouldn't hurt to let him in to talk to him and see what was bothering him. She called out 'yes, you may come in!'.

The man entered the bathroom, glanced at Sister Mary in the bath, and said 'Nice tits! So where do you want the blind?'

Bad_MaNneR$

24-04-2007, 02:07 PM

LOL VIK - Thats a pearler.

In keeping with the religious theme........

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

"Big tits" replied the Pope.

Pootsie

24-04-2007, 03:23 PM

HaHaHa, BM, good one!

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to
perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few
things but nothing seems to work.

So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once
a year.

All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want
to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is
1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another
year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and
puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to
her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just
as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you
say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

tasha

24-04-2007, 04:54 PM

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

Haa, I actually laughed out loud at that!

Vik & Poots - yours were hilariouss!

Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No tomatoes..

Ha. I laughed. Out loud.
You should too. :P

Bad_MaNneR$

25-04-2007, 02:35 AM

LOL! NICE ONE!

/me slaps iSketch_freak with a can of pineapple for posting just" LOL! NICE ONE!" and not adding a joke.

Suggest you check these posts before continuing:

http://www.isketchforum.net/showpost.php?p=75293&postcount=87

http://www.isketchforum.net/showpost.php?p=75365&postcount=88

LOL Pootsie. Love the grammatical one.

A bloke goes into a grocers shop and says, "Got any tomatoes?"

GROCER: No mate no tomatoes today.
MAN: Sure? You got no tomatoes?
GROCER: NO. No tomatoes.

Half an hour later the man comes back.

MAN: Got any tomatoes?
GROCER: I told you. No. No tomatoes today.

This repeats every half hour or so until the grocer finally gets the sh♥ts.

GROCER: Look. If you take the T out of truck, what do you have?
MAN: Ruck?
GROCER: Exactly. Now if you take the P out of pink, what do you have?
MAN: Ink?
GROCER: Exactly. Now you take the f♥ck out of tomatoes, what have you got?
MAN: There is no f♥ck in tomatoes.
GROCER: Exactly. That's what I've been telling you all day.

aerochick

25-04-2007, 03:37 AM

tasha

25-04-2007, 04:40 PM

Old Farmer Johnson was dying and had gathered his family around his bed. In a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead, I want you to marry Farmer Smith."
His wife was shocked and replied:"No, I can't marry anyone after you." Farmer Johnson was very insistent and finally his wife, exasperated, asked:"But why???"
To which Farmer Johnson answered:"Because Smith once cheated me in a horse deal..............."

*thinks hard*
Nope. I don't get it.
:rolleyes:

--------------------------------

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
------------------------------------
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight
------------------------------------
1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
-----------------------------------
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
-------------------------------

Hm. They aren't very funny.

2.0

25-04-2007, 05:42 PM

A man in his deathbed calls to his wife and tells her "woman, before i die i need to tell you, i must confess"

Wife says "it's ok honey, you don't have to", but the man insists and the wife agrees to hear.

"woman, i've had sex with your best friend, your sister and your mother" he said in a low voice

Woman looks at him calmly and replies "I know, that's why i poisoned you, you son of a b♥tch".

======

An atheist is walking through the woods on a magnificent day, admiring everything evolution accidentally generated.

Suddenly he heard something in a nearby bush, and he goes for a look. Turns out it was a bear that was foraging there. The bear upon noticing him started chasing him. He ran desperately but the bear kept up and gained on him. He saw a river ahead and thought "i can swim faster than the bear, if i could just make it to the river". But near the edge of the river he tripped on a fallen branch and the bear caught up with him. As the bear fiercely mauled him he screamed in desperation "OH MY GOD HELP" repeatedly.

Suddenly time stopped, everything around him dissapeared and a bright light shined upon him. A booming voice said "All these years you denied my existence, taught others to be atheist too, reduced my magnificent creation to an accident and you expect me to help you? Are you to start having faith in me?"

The guy stood there pondering and looking directly at the guy "Well i suppose it'd be very hypocritical of me to suddenly turn christian, but could you at least turn the bear christian? though shalt not kill right?"

And as quickly as it came, time started again, he was there under the bear. But the bear stopped his attack! The guy almost sighed in relief when the bear approached him again and held both of his hands and spoke:

"Dear lord, please bless this meal..."

gracie

28-04-2007, 12:04 AM

um. i hope that none of these have been used before. because there are plenty of blonde jokes.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

*****

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

****

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day."

Sapphire

01-05-2007, 01:01 AM

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN (any parent with more than one chid will relate to these)

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

__________________________________________________ ___
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
__________________________________________________ ____
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

__________________________________________________ ___
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
__________________________________________________ ____

Changing Nappies:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
________________________________ _______
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Music, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket.
__________________________________________________ ____
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
________________________________________

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children (oh so true......)
__________________________________________________ ____
Swallowing Coins (my personal favourite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money!

I am a fourth child, didnt get any pocket money - I think my parents just saved all their money to pay for my counselling later in life..........
Saph
xx

Facey

01-05-2007, 07:50 AM

Pootsie

01-05-2007, 04:59 PM

Tasha, don't feel bad, I don't get the Farmer Johnson joke either.

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!!"

jewels

01-05-2007, 08:18 PM

This isn't a joke, but I didn't know where to post it.

This is for you because you are very dear to my heart!

What if tomorrow.......

I Apologize...For all the mean things I might have said.
I Apologize...For all the things I did or didn't do.
I Apologize...If I ever ignored you.
I Apologize...If I ever made you feel bad or put you down.
I Apologize...If I ever thought I was better than you.
I Apologize...For everything wrong I've ever done.

I Care for You...Don't ever forget that!
Through bad times and good,

I'll always be here for you.

I'm writing this because... what if tomorrow.....

YOU WIN THE LOTTERY

Bad_MaNneR$

02-05-2007, 06:07 AM

Tasha, don't feel bad, I don't get the Farmer Johnson joke either.

Umm - that's because you 're not thinking like a man who has just offloaded his trouble and strife onto his mortal enemy......

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"

http://www.gafy.com/images/designs/270_B039.jpg

Facey

02-05-2007, 07:50 AM

Umm - that's because you 're not thinking like a man who has just offloaded his trouble and strife onto his mortal enemy......
I got it but I know that I'm hellish to be married to!

The Mummy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All mums know this stuff. It's on the MummyTest. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

jewels

02-05-2007, 08:36 AM

A FARMER AND SEVERAL PIGS

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Pootsie

02-05-2007, 01:46 PM

Love this thread, looks a lot like my email inbox.
I think BM will like this one:

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a drop dead gorgeous
deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a Bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ♥♥♥♥.

tuppence

02-05-2007, 01:50 PM

A Father is packing his suitcase ready for a business trip,
his three year old daughter is playin on the bed, when she sits up and says
" look at this daddy" as she holds up her two fingers.
The father then wants to play with his daughter puts her fingers in his mouth and growls, " daddys gonna eat your fingers hahahaaha".Then he carries on packing, a while later he looks at his distraught daughters face and asks her whats wrong?

She holds up the same two fingers and cries "what happened to my bogie" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad_MaNneR$

02-05-2007, 03:19 PM

LOL Pootsie - my kinda poem.
Ick Tuppence - reminds me of this:

What's the difference between broccoli and snot?
You just can't get the kids to eat broccoli.

jewels

02-05-2007, 06:20 PM

THE CAT AND THE MILKMAN

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

jewels

03-05-2007, 04:07 PM

A DOG CALLED "SEX"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ``Rover'' or ``Spot''. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ``I would like to have one too!'' Then I said, ``But she is a dog!'' He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, ``You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.'' He replied, ``You must have been quite a strong boy.''

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ``But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.'' He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ``You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.'' The clerk said, ``Me too!''

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ``You don't understand,'' I said, ``I hoped to have Sex on TV.'' He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ``Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.'' The Judge said, ``Me too!''

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ``I'm looking for Sex.'' -- My case comes up next week.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ``What seems to be the trouble?'' I replied, ``Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.'' and the doctor said, ``Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.''

MsNerdinator

03-05-2007, 08:30 PM

/me lets out a snicker..

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

gracie

04-05-2007, 03:13 AM

/me actually burst out laughing at Nerdy's joke

unless it was 2.0's. since it says that 2.0 edited it. o_O

uh. no joke right now. i'll edit this post and add one later when i think of one. nobody hurt me!

EDIT:

there's a lady and a man at a dinner party. the man was playing the piano. the lady comes over, and says "wow, you're such a good pianist."
and he says "oh, i'm not really a good pianist. there's this little man in the piano, that's twelve inches tall." he points over to a lamp. he says, "a genie will come out of a lamp and grant you one wish."
the lady says "okay, i'll try it." she walks over to the lamp, rubs it, and a genie comes out. she says "i wish for a million bucks." suddenly, a million ducks come flying from nowhere. she says "why did it give me a million ducks instead of bucks?"
the man says, "do you think i wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

for some reason, i'm sure that's been posted before, but i couldn't think of one so i asked the girl next to me at the computer. xD
************************************
here's another one:

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

whoyou1992

04-05-2007, 04:04 AM

I don't get it.

Here's my joke:
Wanna know about the art of procrastination?

I'll tell you later.

Bad_MaNneR$

04-05-2007, 06:43 AM

So BM is sitting at the bar in a pub and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

A gorgeous woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

BM explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

BM smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true...

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying.

And....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce... here's the f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

2.0

08-05-2007, 05:41 PM

A woman goes out with the girls for the night, promising her husband she'd be back by midnight.

It was not until shortly before 3am that she came home, and she came home absolutely plastered. Suddenly the cuckoo clock went *ding* and cockooed 3 times.

She though *shhhhht, that might wake'm* but she thought quickly and cuckooed 9 more times. Feeling very satisfied with her genious idea, she went to bed.

The next morning her husband was reading the paper at the kitchen table, asked after a sip of coffee "So how was the night out with the girls?" Trying to hide her hangover and keeping her composure she replied plainly "It was nice, bit early though, came home at 12..."

The husband didn't react to this, the wife was relieved. He took another sip of coffee, flipped the page of the paper and said "We need to buy a new cuckoo clock dear".

Startled, she asked "Why? It works perfectly!"

Continuing to sip his coffee and reading the paper he replied "Last night around 3am the bastard cuckooed 3 times, yelled out Sh♥t that might wake him, cuckooed 3 times more, barfed on the couch, cooed 3 times more, stumbled and broke the hallway table, cooed 3 times more and farted and then dared to get into bed with me"

Tinikat

08-05-2007, 07:57 PM

Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

The bull has the horns in the front and an arsehole in the back

tasha

08-05-2007, 09:38 PM

What's the difference between the rain, and a hurt lion?

One pours with rain & the other roars with pain.

Ba-doom- chhhhh.

Calico_Cat

09-05-2007, 06:05 AM

If you work on a lobster boat , sneaking up behind someone and pinching him,

is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Sapphire

09-05-2007, 07:02 AM

OK, I found this particularly funny (maybe because i have children who are at the toilet humour stage, idk.....) It is from a newspaper contest where the entrants were asked to imitate "Deep thougths by Jack Handey". This is the runner-up:

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Saph
xx

jewels

09-05-2007, 01:33 PM

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Bad_MaNneR$

09-05-2007, 04:10 PM

NEVER SAY TO A COP

8. I pay your salary!

I personally love this one especially when they call on the telephone and start to climb into you for no apparent reason. I have a few standard responses.

1. Really? Wow I didn't realise you were the Treasurer of the Reserve Bank - it's an honour to be talking to you.

2. Hey XYZ - you will NEVER guess who's on the phone. The bloke who pays our wages! Do you want to come over and say thank-you to him?

3. Sorry I didn't realise you were calling from the Salaries Section!

4. Oh that's nice!

5. Really? You pay taxes too? So do I. As a matter of fact I am currently paying enough taxes to support a single mother of two children. You must be earning a packet to be able to pay enough taxes to pay my wage!

6. Hang on - I'll just transfer you to the boss - then transfer them to a fax machine or to a random switchboard anywhere in the State - preferably at one of the unmanned stations out in the bush.

MsNerdinator

09-05-2007, 05:35 PM

* MsNerdinator;79465 lets out a snicker..

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

:eek: ! 2.0! I only saw this now. Pssh.. posting jokes on my behalf. Oh, you cheeky, evil greenie.. :twisted:
/me can't think of a joke (don't even think about it 2.0, lol)

Bad_MaNneR$

09-05-2007, 10:13 PM

Ok so it's time for THAT kind of joke then....

What's an "ig"?

An Eskimo's house without a loo.

Fender

10-05-2007, 02:57 AM

/me will get lynched for this, but no change there ....

I kept getting pins and needles when my chair was too close to the bird of prey ... it was because I was sitting hawkward

aerochick

10-05-2007, 03:01 AM

NEVER SAY TO A COP

haha! I think i'm going to use some of these responses from now on instead of my usual which my husband assures me will get me sent to jail where he will NOT be posting bail.:embarrassed:

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

Bad_MaNneR$

10-05-2007, 06:17 AM

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
OUCH!!!

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Highway Patrol Officer.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is sure that
he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Officer's expense...

Cop says, "May i see your license and registration papers, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Please step out of your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Cop takes out his expandable baton and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Now. Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Vik

10-05-2007, 07:18 AM

I swear I posted this before, but here it is again anyways!

Micheal Vaughan, captian of England's cricket team, was driving in his car, swerving all over the place, missing traffic signals, everything. A policeman pulled him over, and walked across to him.

'Hello Sir, sorry to say but I suspect you to be driving under the influence' the officer said. 'I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test to see if you're over the limit.

'hic. Hoccifer! I'm veeeeeeery soorry to disappoint, but I have something you need to read' Micheal Vaughan gets his wallet, and after a considerable amount of fumbling, produces a card, signed by his doctor, that reads:

'This man is asthmatic, please don't breathalyze.'

The officer can smell the alcohol on his breath, and says 'Look sonny, this doesn't change anything. You're going to have to come with me down to the police station where we will perform a blood test to see how much alcohol is swimming around in there.'

Micheal Vaughan giggles like a schoolgirl and gets his wallet back out, fumbling around until he proudces this card, signed by his doctor:

'This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not take a blood sample.'

The officer is getting impatient. OK wise guy, you suck at cricket, and you suck at driving. Out the car NOW and off we go to take a urine sample.

Vaughan shakes his head, and hands the policeman a third card, signed by the doc, that reads:

'This man is an England cricketer. Please don't take the piss.'

jewels

10-05-2007, 09:21 AM

THE STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter".
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat
who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a
running start, and before we knew it he jumped over
the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher."It
sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff,Fffff,
Fffff'...
And before he could say Fu*k, the Rottweiler ate
him!

jewels

10-05-2007, 08:06 PM

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you

Bad: She wants a divorce

Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door

Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion

Bad: He's a cross-dresser

Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new

Bad: It's another man

Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker

Ugly: Your co - workers are her best clients

Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Bad_MaNneR$

10-05-2007, 10:39 PM

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” ”Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No”. Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone there besides you?” The boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?”, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!!” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

“They’re looking for me”

aerochick

11-05-2007, 04:16 AM

My daughter tried to pull that trick on me once and then had the audacity to fall asleep under the dining room table:mad: .

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, " I see millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson ponders this question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes looks up at the sky, then turns back to Watson and is silent for a minute, then says...........

"Watson, you fool, someone has stolen our tent!".

jewels

11-05-2007, 09:37 AM

(EDIT: these are standard Essex girl jokes and are not aimed at anyone nor intended to upset any one who lives in Essex )

Part One

Q: How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: Why did God create Essex girls?
A: Because sheep can't cook.

Q: What do you call an Essex girl in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain ?
A: Gifted!

Q: How does an Essex girl part her hair ?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear their hair up ?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why is an Essex girl like a turtle ?
A: They both get fu*ked up when they're on their back.

Q: How do you make an Essex girl's eyes light up ?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should Essex girls not be given coffee breaks ?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?
A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: What did the Essex girl think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get East Enders....

Q: Why don't Essex girls eat Jelly?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: What do you call an Essex girl with a fiver on the top her head?
A: All you can eat, under a fiver.

Q: Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What's the mating call of the Essex girl?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What's the mating call of the London girl?
A: "All the Essex girls have gone home!"

Q: Why do Essex girls like VAT?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 83 to an Essex girl?
A: 69 plus VAT.

Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

tasha

11-05-2007, 05:07 PM

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

gracie

13-05-2007, 05:15 PM

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Bad_MaNneR$

14-05-2007, 01:50 AM

A man walked up to the counter at the local 7-11.

"Can I help you?" asked the clerk.

"Yes, please put all the cash in this bag."

The clerk looked around and said, "You don't have a gun!"

"No, but I've got this lump of 2x4."

"You're not going to rob me without a gun."

WHAP! The robber hits the clerk in the head with the 2x4.

"Now, just give me the money!"

"You're not going to rob me without a gun, or a knife or something!"

WHAP! The robber hits him on the other side of the head with the 2x4. The
clerk picks himself off the floor, opens the cash drawer and puts all the
money in a paper bag. He hands it to the robber who starts to leave.

"Wait!" says the clerk, pulling out his wallet and handing the robber a fist
full of cash. "No. No I insist. Here, go buy yourself a gun. You're going to bloody well hurt some body with that lump of 2x4!"

jewels

14-05-2007, 10:07 AM

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would
you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front
row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she
replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an
eyelid
she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her
family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?" The
assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all
day,"
the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as
I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the
kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up
that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge
was
directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars are backed up for
miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of
his
car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

"Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering
this
bridge and ran out of petrol!"

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of
tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at
the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen
if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When
silence
was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook
her
head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the
exam
with your other hand."

Bad_MaNneR$

15-05-2007, 02:30 AM

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the
ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------------------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times ... just put me down for a five."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

kisskiss

15-05-2007, 03:20 AM

Walking through the bush Gary and Griff came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Griff said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life." A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

An Englishman wanted to transform himself into an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how he could achieve this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong, but I will need to remove half your brain". "Yeah, that's OK" said the Englishman. "All my life I've wanted to be Irish so I'm prepared to take the risk."
The operation went ahead and sometime later the Englishman awoke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm terribly sorry!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out." The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and then tries his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Bad_MaNneR$

15-05-2007, 05:42 AM

With the cuts in Department of Defence spending the army had to go without
rifles and machine guns. The platoon sergeant gave the men sticks and told
them they were rifles and if you tied two sticks together it became a machine gun.

When the next war games came up he told the men, "Just point the stick at
the enemy and say bangetty bang bang and they fall over dead. If there are
a group of men point your two sticks at them and say ratta tat tat and they
fall over dead."

Private Murphy lay in ambush and when the enemy came by he pointed his
stick, shouted bangetty bang bang or ratta tat tat, and they all fell over
dead.

A whole squad of the enemy came marching down the trail and he jumped out
and shouted ratta tat tat, ratta tat tat but they kept on coming. They
knocked him down, marched over him and continued down the trail.

Battered and bruised he pulled himself up on one elbow and watched them
march away. The last man in the squad looked back at Murphy, smiled and
said, "Tanketty tank tank, tanketty tank tank."

Sapphire

16-05-2007, 02:03 AM

Joke of the Day: men
pffffffffffft

Bad_MaNneR$

16-05-2007, 07:28 AM

One for the boys - women will no longer complain (yeah right!!)

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

tuppence

16-05-2007, 09:32 AM

/me smacks BM with pink itit speakers for being rude and cheeky

tasha

17-05-2007, 05:25 PM

Three men were kidnapped & taken to the middle of a desert. The kidnappers said to them "Go to your homelands, and bring back ten of your favourite fruits. If you do not come back, we will hunt you down and kill you."
The three men went off, & soon, the first man returned with ten cherries.
The men said to him "You must put all the cherries up your bum. If you scream or laugh, we will kill you."
The man got to the ninth cherry, and then starting screaming, so they killed him.

Then the second man returned with 10 apples. The men said the same to him, and he got to the fourth apple, then started laughing, so the men killed him.

At the gates of heaven, the first & second man met, and the first man said "Why did you start laughing?"
The second guy replied "I just saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples."

Pootsie

20-05-2007, 04:29 AM

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to
go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and
impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am
sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show Us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please
be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Bad_MaNneR$

21-05-2007, 04:21 AM

So this lady is driving her car down the Hume Highway and it breaks down for some reason. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the boot.

Out of the boot jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle, where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before the Highway Patrol shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the woman, yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the side of the road?" asks the cop.

She replied..."Oh. Those are my emergency flashers!"

Cunny_Funt

25-05-2007, 10:47 PM

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.

"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

One day an Irish grandpa says to grandma "Why don't we go to the B&B like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the B&B and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up (it’s been awhile).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.

"My God woman" he says, "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new BMW into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for BMW think of everything!"

Bad_MaNneR$

26-05-2007, 01:55 AM

:twisted: LMAO Cunny

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH?

An Australian Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included Admirals from the English, U.S., French, Canadian and NATO Navies.

At a cocktail reception he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, when a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, others in the world learn only English.

He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the Australian Admiral replied:

"Maybe it's because on two earlier occasions, the Brits, Canadians, Kiwis, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

The group became suddenly quiet!

Cunny_Funt

26-05-2007, 04:33 PM

Two buddies were sharing drinks in Murphy's bar while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

An Irish wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem, doctor;

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained,

"It wakes me up!"

Why Guinness is Better Than a Woman A Guinness always goes down easy

A Guinness doesn't care when you come

A Guinness doesn't get jealous when you grab another Guinness

A Guinness won't get upset if you come home and have another Guinness on your breath

A frigid Guinness is a good Guinness

After you've had a Guinness, the bottle is still worth 10 cents

Guinness doesn't demand equality

Guinness is always wet

Guinness is never late

Guinness never has a headache

Guinness stains wash out

Hangovers go away

If you change Guinness you don't have to pay alimony

If you pour a Guinness right you'll always get a good head

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a Guinness

When your Guinness goes flat, you toss it out

You always know when you're the first to pop a Guinness

You can always have more than one Guinness in one night and not feel guilty

You can enjoy a Guinness all month long

You can have a Guinness in public

You can share a Guinness with your friends

You don't have to wash a Guinness before it tastes good

You don't have to wine and dine Guinness

Your Guinness will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

Bad_MaNneR$

27-05-2007, 07:14 AM

BOY: Mummy. On the bus today Daddy made me stand up and give my seat to a pretty lady.

MUM: Oh that's nice dear. You should always do that.

BOY: Yes. But I was sitting on Daddy's knee at the time.

Pootsie

27-05-2007, 07:02 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. she raises his gown, holds his pen*s in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says; "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely.....

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Bad_MaNneR$

01-06-2007, 05:41 AM

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.

''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''

''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''

''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''

''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''

''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''

''And what happened?''

''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''

''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''

There is a long pause.

''Sorry did you say 'Swimming pool'?"

"Yes"

"Is this 854-7039?''
.................................................. ...........

Saffron

01-06-2007, 10:40 AM

The Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery

Bad_MaNneR$

04-06-2007, 06:56 AM

This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out...

And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well, which one are you then??"

Pootsie

05-06-2007, 02:36 AM

Hahaha, BM! I thought of you when I saw this one:

The Journey of a Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

lotts

09-06-2007, 06:32 PM

An englishman,irishman and american on a roof top, and the american jumps off the edge flys around and lands back down again.
The irishman says "jesus christ how did you do that"
the american says " if you really believe you can fly, you can."
The irishman replys "really, if i really believe?"
the american "if you truly believe it, you can do it"
so the irishman thinks for a minute and starts to believe he can do it. he stands on the edge of the building and says " i can fly i can fly"
he jumps off the building and sure enough he falls to the ground and dies.

the englishman turns to the american and says "superman you can be a real B!!!!!D sometimes"

FairyNuff

10-06-2007, 04:36 PM

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks one more time for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies "Well sailor you're doing about 3 knots." "3 knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're not getting your effing money back!"

A loud unattractive, hardfaced woman walks into Tesco with her 2 kids in tow screaming obscenities at them through the entrance. The door greeter says "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice kids are they twins?" The fat ugly woman replies "Do they look like fooking twins?" The door greeter replies "Absolutely not, I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

aerochick

10-06-2007, 06:31 PM

"Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

-If you are obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

-If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

-If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

-If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

-If you are schitzophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which button to press.

-If you are manic/depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press, no one will answer."

Bad_MaNneR$

12-06-2007, 08:32 AM

TOP 10 COMEBACK LINES

1. I'm sorry ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DUI, you ARE a real criminal.

2. Hey Davo, get out of the car and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the car and write the ticket out. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Bad_MaNneR$

13-06-2007, 02:18 AM

/me ignores the lack of a joke in the above post and instead posts a bunch more jokes.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an old Australian bloke approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the bloke who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.”

"They're just three Aussie coal miners, and the bloke in the middle went home for lunch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.
Still not satisfied, the young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents.
"Why do you keep on asking?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear,” I’m fu**ing freezing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk chav walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming,

"You're not so tough tonight are you Batman!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?

A: A Doberman in a playground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Following the breakdown of his marriage to Heather, Paul McCartney was asked if he would go down on one knee again.

He replied “I do wish you wouldn't call her that..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cousin tells me he got a packet of "Finest" sausages from Tescos today. On the packet was a photo of Antony Worrall Thompson, and underneath it said "Prick with a fork"!!

aerochick

13-06-2007, 02:33 AM

Haha!

**For Sale**
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**GRANNY LEADFOOT **
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

gracie

13-06-2007, 03:36 AM

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Pootsie

16-06-2007, 02:21 PM

HaHaHa, hadn't read these in awhile, some good ones there!

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR
CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The
Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group
Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM fo r 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The
Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant
Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The
Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
M onday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life
Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel
Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises , Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates
And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be
issued to the survivors.!

bunE

17-06-2007, 01:27 PM

http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u117/litlliebu/DontSaySex.jpg

Buffers

17-06-2007, 01:46 PM

Replies to:

Things not to say during sex: (thanks to BunE)

'Go on then darling, do hurry back' *locks bedroom door and puts iPod on*

'I would but it's focused on your arse'

'If you would.. that's great, I owe you one, thanks!' *watches telly*

'Yes I'm a virgin... didn't they tell you at the club there's a charge for that?'

'That's because your ex had a tiny penis fetish, have you not noticed I've been reading over your shoulder?: it's like waving a chipolata in the Royal Albert Hall.'

'When you get off.... me!'

'Yes, I do have the keys to the handcuffs... I'm off down the pub' *tap back pocket*

'I AM a sheep! How ****ed ARE you?'

'She's not sleeping, she's in the rocking chair...by the window... fancy a shower?' *grin*

'That wasn't me, that was your mother, we had the same dress on that night.'

'Good, now I can put your wang in your hand and sneak out... you'd never even notice.'

'Yeah, taking a sheep home will do that to a person.'

'You can't help it!'

'Yes, for the rest of your natural born... I'm not on the pill and I want a council house.'

'One can only hope'

'She does? Pass me your phone would you... My sister's 15.. I have some reporting to do.'

'Dot Cotton'

'If you would, put some porn on ya boring the ***s off me'.

'Glad I could help...You shouldn't really draw faces on balloons and take them to the movies though.'

'Let me put in my claim with the CSA'.

aerochick

20-06-2007, 04:10 AM

Group Therapy-

A licensed Counsellor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... You all have obsessions," he observed ..

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Sherry."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

Pootsie

26-06-2007, 11:10 PM

Students in Biology class were taking their final

exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages

of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all.

One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is the perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of

the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in really awesome containers!

He got an "A"!

Cunny_Funt

26-06-2007, 11:44 PM

A couple is going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up,
ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog
darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog
inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to
wait in the taxi. Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she

explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye
to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says. "Stupid ♥♥♥♥♥ was hiding under the bed and I had to poke

her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in

a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass
downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not ♥♥♥♥ in the
vegetable garden again!".

The silence in the cab was deafening.

OUCH

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to the boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist its his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the checkout, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he would like to buy, a 3pk, 10pk or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack as he may be rather busy, it being his first time and everything. That night the boy shows up at his girlfriend's house and she meets him at the door, "Oh I am so excited about you meeting my parents come in", she shrieks.The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down, 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious?". The boy replies, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

SamIAmPA

28-06-2007, 12:52 PM

Life Explained
by Cliff Pickover, Reality Carnival

The differences between men and women.

http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/pc/lifeexplained.jpg

My apologies to 2.0 I tried to do it like you said and not post the url but it didn't work.
/me goes off mumbling to herself..."Why is computer stuff so %&^#@)&^ difficult for me? I am an intelligent person. Really I am!"....

Java

28-06-2007, 11:16 PM

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”

Bad_MaNneR$

29-06-2007, 10:52 PM

LOL Java. Nice One.

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old bloke handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Facey

01-07-2007, 09:46 AM

Not hillarious but I found it funny...

Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often?
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look ! Fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
33. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.

34. Your friends love you anyway.

tasha

01-07-2007, 11:12 AM

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,"No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak & heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. Three elephants are parachuting. Two land on the rocks and one lands in the sea... boom-boom chh!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Saffron

03-07-2007, 02:30 AM

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh**.

Pootsie

04-07-2007, 12:10 PM

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. . . .

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Georgia , Kentucky , Arkansas , Mississippi and West Virginia .

el_pedro

05-07-2007, 09:58 AM

Two blind men walk into a bar.

Well it's not their fault... they can't see can they....

Bad_MaNneR$

05-07-2007, 11:06 PM

A married terrorist couple are getting dressed when the wife terrorist turns to her husband and says, "Does my bomb look big in this?"

col-rox

05-07-2007, 11:59 PM

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...................

"Dave, wake up you drunken bast4rd, you've sh!t the bed.

Pootsie

07-07-2007, 03:04 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

2.0

10-07-2007, 08:28 PM

Read slowly and carefully...
Out-loud to make it more understandable.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Katie.Lemon

10-07-2007, 09:36 PM

nice short one

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?

Oojahnicka Bollukov

made me larff anyhoo!

Ashiana

10-07-2007, 10:12 PM

A middle aged woman put an advert in a lonely hearts page.
" wanted, middle aged man"
"Must not have tendencies to abuse me by hand or foot"
"Must be good in bed"

The next day, her door bell rings.
She answers the door , to see a man in a wheel chair,
"i have come in reply to you lonely hearts add" he tells her,

She looked at him, in shock!

"What? he asked, I have no arms to slap you with,
"i have no legs to kick you with"............

She replied, "no arms, no legs, how can you be any good on bed?"

"he replied, " i rang your bloody door bell didn't i?"

TempusFugit

13-07-2007, 10:49 PM

A very good friend has just sent me this: You do have to read this out aloud, to get the full effect!!!! (But please, be careful who is listening! :embarrassed:)

Dyslexic Cinderella

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugley astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a right lucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mites whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with a prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all Chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the stinking
brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nickin the kackers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fit pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the randsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxery, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. They all lived happily ever after.

gracie

15-07-2007, 07:14 PM

There was an African man who was escaping off to Canada. He was tired, grimy and thirsty. He saw a a teapot on the ground, and thinking that there might be water in it, he picked it up.

The moment he touched it, a genie came out and offered him three wishes. The African man deliberated for a while then finally came up with his three wishes.

"When I get to Canada, I'd like to be white. That way, I won't be discriminated against."

The genie replied that he could do that.

"Second, I'd like to have an unlimited supply of water once I'm in Canada. I'm so thirsty right now, I never want to be thirsty again."

The genie again replied that he could do that.

"Third, I haven't had all that much experience with the ladies... Once I'm in Canada, I think I'd like to see some with their pants off, you get my drift?"

The genie, chuckling, replied that it was possible.

"Great," said the African man. He started walking with a quicker pace so he could get to Canada and have his wishes come true. The moment he stepped over the Canadian border, he turned into a toilet.

A white toilet. In a women's public bathroom. With an unlimited supply of water.

Ches

15-07-2007, 07:43 PM

A midget walks into a bar.
"Hello," says the bartender, "how's it going?"
"Well, I'm fed up with people taking the mick out of my height and I'm not happy!" replied the midget.
"Which one are you then?" replied the barman

hehe... made me chuckle anyway.

Trip

16-07-2007, 06:29 AM

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking
about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

..... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

..... At two seconds the Baileys curdles

..... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency
hits.

......At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint
his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally
chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you
call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

wild cherry

16-07-2007, 09:30 AM

LMAO Trip i love that lol. will tell it to hubby later on.:razz:

Vik

16-07-2007, 01:03 PM

Don't forget to post a joke in your replies!

Here's one a 4 year old told me, in German, with lots of 'ummm errr' etc, but it was really funny :P

A man meets his friend - the man is all beaten up, black and blue, cuts and bruises etc. His friend asks him what happened? He replies that he was doing some mountain climbing and he saw a little cave. He saw something little in the cave and called 'come out! I see you!' and out came a little bear.

'Ah!' says the friend and the bear mauled you?' 'No, no' replies the man, 'he was friendly, we played a while and then I moved on. I saw a medium sized cave, and I saw something medium sized inside. I called "come out! I see you!" and out came a medium sized bear.' 'Oohhh,' says his friend, 'and THIS bear mauled you?' 'No, no' replied the man 'she was friendly, we played a while and then I moved on. I saw a HUGE cave, and I saw something HUGE inside, so I called "come out! I see you!"...'

The friend shook his head and said 'yes.. and then the huge bear came out and mauled you.' 'No, no!' Said the man, 'then the train came out and ran me over :('

Bad_MaNneR$

16-07-2007, 01:25 PM

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

jewels

19-07-2007, 03:20 PM

What is Sex?

An out-of-breath 8 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather,
who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the
universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but
thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight
answer.

He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing
out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of
human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When Grandpa was finally done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen,
as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her
mouth open,eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing that she was overwhelmed, he asked her what had
caused the sudden curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and
replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

Trip

20-07-2007, 11:04 AM

If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

PS- I stole this joke from fvictory.

Deadlock

20-07-2007, 12:22 PM

I liked that :D

*JOKE* A farmer in Somerset has managed to grow a field of cucumbers that look like dildos. Unfortunately he can't harvest them as he now has squatters.

tuppence

20-07-2007, 02:46 PM

TWO women on way home from a night out,stop in a graveyard for a wee.
1 WIPES her bits with her knickers while the other wipes her bits with a wreath.
Their husbands talking in the pub the next day.one says
"ive got to watch my wife she came home with no knickers on last night"
"thats nothing" says the other hubby " mine had a card wedged in her arse saying " well never forget you" . from the lads at the firestation,

wild cherry

21-07-2007, 03:07 AM

Trip

24-07-2007, 02:55 PM

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, selfless princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady - I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't F@&*ing think so."

tuppence

29-07-2007, 05:42 PM

/me apologises for anyone living in the flood area

Paddy is snogging a bird in his car. and things were getting steamy"kiss me where its wet"!! she tells him.
so he drives her to teweksbury!!!!

Pootsie

31-07-2007, 08:54 PM

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that elimates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out

ST.MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to
tow days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo can cause dangerously low IQ resulting in enjoyment
of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increase life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You
make me want to be a better person'.

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping increases potency, duration and credit limit
of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves heachache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary,
phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as
nagging him.

kisskiss

02-08-2007, 03:03 AM

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity - (can't say this one sober)
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

sketches

02-08-2007, 04:32 AM

I can barely say any of those when I'm sober. Then again, I don't drink and wouldn't know!! Luckily I get the punchline though.

Very funny, kisskiss!

Fender

03-08-2007, 10:48 PM

A man is looking at his new-born son and says, "Wow, look at the size of his willy, it's massive!" .. his wife smiles and says, "Yes, but nevermind, at least he has your ears"

wild cherry

04-08-2007, 01:08 AM

A police man is interviewing a suspect.
POLICEMAN. may i use my dictaphone during this interview.
SUSPECT.no use your finger like everybody else.:eek:

Pootsie

10-08-2007, 08:22 PM

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked
into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning,
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have
there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the
other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the
greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice." "Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart."

Bad_MaNneR$

11-08-2007, 07:14 AM

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Pootsie

14-08-2007, 05:56 PM

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better
every day. Then you get kicked out for being too
healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your
pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on
your first day. You work 40 years until you're too
young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions-central heating, room
service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

flopsy

14-08-2007, 07:27 PM

and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

Or a turkey baster :twisted:

Pootsie

30-08-2007, 03:50 AM

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where the hell
have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

aggravatedwife

30-08-2007, 05:56 AM

OK, here's one I like:
A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist: "Do you have any duck food?" The pharmacist says "no, you silly duck, get out of my store and don't come back". The duck leaves, but returns the next day to ask: "Do you have any duck food?" The pharmacist gets very angry, and begins to scream at the duck: "I told you yesterday, we DON'T have any duck food, never had any duck food, don't plan on ever having duck food, and if you EVER return to this store, I will personally nail your feet to the floor!" The duck ruffles his feathers and waddles out, only to return the next day, he asks: "Do you have any nails?" The pharmacist, confused, answers "No", and the duck then says "Do you have any duck food?"
It's better in person, but, well, you know.......

P. S. Seeing the words "junior member" beneath Bad MaNneR$ name just.looks.wrong.
That is my absolute favorite joke...I am constantly telling that joke...Love it

Here's one...It's a long one...
Jack is at the circus... He loves the circus it is his favorite event.. Every year he waits for the circus to come to town. So here it is, finally, circus day. Jack walks into the tent, takes his favorite seat, the center seat-four rows up from the floor and settles in with his cotton candy, popcorn and $12.00 soda. The clowns come out first, Jack is so happy... He loves the clowns; they are funny, happy and make him forget that he has such a small little life... The clowns are juggling, telling jokes and addressing members of the circus audience. One clown zero's in on Jack... Hello sir, he says. Jack is so excited, never has a clown addressed him... He can't even talk, he just sputters.
The clown looks at him and he says-My sir, are you an elephant?
Jack shakes his head no, still grinning stupidly.
Well, then, are you a camel...
Jack says nope.
Why, then, are you a tiger?
Jack grins and says no.
Well, then sir, says the clown, YOU must be a jackass.
Jack looks at the clown, his grin fading. He can't believe what this clown has just said. He is sad, upset and quite frankly he is on the verge of tears.
He vows to himself, right then and there to come back to the circus the next year and tell that clown off. He'd have the right words; he would be able to use his wit and cunningness to really give that clown a run for his money.
The very next day, Jack enrolls in clown school. He learns to tell jokes, to juggle and to just be absolutely crazy. He does great and two months later he graduates with the highest clown honors.
But this is not enough for Jack. He wants to be the guru of clowns, remember he is going back to that circus next year as a hero. He is not going to take the clown's insults just lying down.
So he goes to study underneath the world's funniest comedian. He learns so much...He leaves the audience in stitches, his teacher is proud. He is proud of himself. This is the life. He is becoming the most witty, the sharpest of tongues. Boy, will that clown rue the day he met Jack.
But this too, is not enough. Jack must be ready; he must have just the right retort for this clown. It mustn’t be base, it mustn’t be common, it has to be the world's best comeback.
So Jack goes up a mountain to meditate on just the right thing to say to this circus clown... He stays there month after month, pondering, meditating and channeling the world's most comical people. Finally he has it... He knows exactly what he is going to say.... He is ready... And not a minute too soon.... The circus is due back in two days...
The day of the circus arrives...A confidant; proud Jack walks into that tent. Today is going to be the day when he gets his own back. He will be walking out of this tent a proud, witty man. No more hanging his head down in shame for Jack. He is going to show this clown who's funny.. He walks to that center seat, fourth row from the floor. He sits down with his cotton candy, his popcorn and his $14.00 dollar soda. He is ready... The clowns come out, Jack leans forward making eye contact. This is it...this is his shining moment...
The clown sees him, narrows his eyes and says-Hello sir.
Jack smiles at him, and looks as if to say Bring it on.
The clown says Well sir, are you an elephant.
Nope, says Jack.
Are you a camel, sir?
Jack looks at the clown and smiles. NO need for an answer.
My sir, are you a tiger...
Jack is getting sweaty, but he waits for his moment. Nope, he says.
Why then sir, YOU must be a jackass...
This was it, THE MOMENT. Jack opens his mouth and his mind goes blank, he can't think, his witty retort is nowhere to be found. He sits there his mouth opening and shutting like a fish...He's making sputtering noises...All of his training is lost, he can't think, he can't talk..
The clown is saying Heehaw, sir heehaw....
And finally Jack begins to stutter, he begins to say something and he hoarsely shouts the first thing that comes to his mind....which is---"F@#K YOU CLOWN....."

This too is better when told in person. My husband tells it the best....It's all in the delivery... but what the hey...

2.0

31-08-2007, 02:58 AM

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,

"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Vik

02-09-2007, 10:26 AM

I did think these were already posted, but I can't find them now, so once again for your titilation, I present these following excerpts from letters written to the council:

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

In fact, at the bottom of this page are a bunch of links to other, equally funny 'real' excerpts. http://www.businessballs.com/letters_to_the_council.htm