A COP'S WORST NIGHTMARE
>
> Anyone who has ever been in law enforcement prays that they will never

> get a call like this on their watch.
>
> WARNING ---- The photo is very graphic.
>
> NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART..............


http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w124/pootsie256/6a965d54.jpg

A new barbershop opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place. To drum up new business, the owners of the new establishment put up a big bold sign that read: "We Give Seven Dollar Haircuts!".
The next day, the old barbershop also had a new sign in their window. It read:"We Fix Seven Dollar Haircuts!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------

One hardworking man who was struggling financially, wanted more than anything to win the lottery. Every night, he would go to his roof and beg God that he should win the lottery. This went on for a year. One night, the angels saw this man pouring out the most heartfelt prayers that he should win the lottery. Impressed by this, the angels went up to God and said, "This man is very sincere and we want to help him get his wish. What can we do on his behalf to get his prayers answered?"
God said, "Tell him to buy a lottery ticket."

Has anybody told the one about the dyslexic dwarf?
Actually, I probably shouldn't say it. It's not big, and it's not clever.

I was waiting at the ATM to withdraw some cash and this old lady in front asks if I can help her check her balance. So I pushed the old bat in the back and she fell over.

Her balance was crap.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, re you friggin crazy!?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after."

I just found this little gem :razz:

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change a Lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post it has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs AND how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

7 more to point out spelling & grammar errors in posts.

3 to repost with spelling/grammar corrections.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another 6 to condemn those six arguments as stupid.

15 to claim experience in the lighting industry AND give the correct spelling.

19 to post that this group is not about light bulbs AND to please take the discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

11 to defend the posting to the group, saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly AND then post the corrected URL.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting ?s about light bulbs."

3 to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

1 group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now With something unrelated and start it all over again.


**the above had me in stitches... and there were further addendums... feel free to make your own contributions :razz:**

/me follows TF around the forum
Psst, I think BM did that =/ still good though :)

The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 'Midnight'

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh poop', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

I changed it to poop btw cos I just didn't want people to think I swore lol

* *AJ*;110286 follows TF around the forum
Psst, I think BM did that =/ still good though :)



Ahh yes! So he did :sad: <here (http://www.isketchforum.net/showpost.php?p=71841&postcount=38)> Still... it did make me chuckle!


Now.. before I get told off... umm.. another joke...

A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath!"

Not really a joke, although someone out there with an odd sense of humour may smile at this...

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The pope died

Conclusion
Next time Charles gets married, someone warn the pope.

As you know, Glasgow has won it's bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.
What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by 'Belle & Sebastian'.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and says...

Does this taste funny to you?

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?




Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

I found this joke from a website, decided to share with it you :biggrin:
Blind... jokes. Look down *points down*

There are no dogs allowed here
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwawas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

lol, pretty dumb

/me chokes back her laughter

are you an adult

We're not so sure about that one either.

----------
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Since, apparently, people are offended by "sick ducks," here's another one to brighten your day:

Amazing pick-up lines that are guaranteed to get you all the hotties you want, Night of the Roxbury style:
10. If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds, you'd be the McGorgeous.
9. I can’t find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. If you think you're going to regret this in the morning... we can sleep until the afternoon.
7. I'm new in town... can I get directions to your house?
6. I lost my phone number... can I borrow yours?
5. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your Bedrock.
4. You body's name must be Visa... because it's everywhere I want to be.
3. Got a boyfriend? (No) Want one? OR Got a boyfriend (Yes) Want another one?
2. Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.

and the top pick-up lines for gettin' the ladies, with my own personal guarantee:

1. Do you work for FedEx because I swear you've been checking out my package.

I just heard a friend of mine died at the weekend. He was found drowned in a bowl of muesli.

Apparently he was pulled in by a strong currant.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

:biggrin:

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Here come the elephants over the hill"

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognise them

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practise is known as "E by Gum"!

A woman stood in a crowded hotel lift when a man gets in and accidentally elbows her in the breast. He turns to the woman and says "I'm so sorry, but if your heart is as soft as your breasts then you will forgive me." She replies "If your manhood is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 212!"

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practise is known as "E by Gum"!

Yorkshire jokes are the best. :biggrin:

Not really a joke, but here goes...

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon show this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

There was a woman giving birth, when the doctor, with the heavy accent, says rather disparingly "Oh no! This baby has the "Zakkedy" disease. Fearing the worst and unable to take any more stress, the mother passes out. When she awakens, she immediately screams for the doctor, who runs in. The frantic woman screams "Whats wrong with my baby? What is this "Zakkedy" disease?" Nonchalantly, the doctor tells her "Oh, that means that his face looks "Zakkedy" like his bum." Xp

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London .
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What Happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and Alistair Darling.

They are asking for a £ 10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'. :twisted:

A man went to a zoo but when he got there he found there was only one dog in a cage.

It was a ♥♥♥♥zu.

edit - aww ruined by the swear filter.

A man went to a zoo but when he got there he found there was only one dog in a cage.

It was a ♥♥♥♥zu.

edit - aww ruined by the swear filter.

Next Chris Rock in the making :biggrin:



Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"

The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!" http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii224/jsinghd/clown.gif

Please keep personal differences away from this thread. Moderators are here to inform people of such errors. This is neither the time nor the place to use this thread as a place of personal vendetta. Please mail any suggestions via a different form. Thank you

Learn to use the edit button, rather than double posting (mods are asked to merge double posts, but it's handy if people just edit their own posts, rather than spamming.....).

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

Edit: "Last edited by El_Nino : Today at 03:20 PM. Reason: Accused of spamming, just like joke #270 =D"
edit edit: El_Nino "Please keep personal differences away from this thread. Moderators are here to inform people of such errors. This is neither the time nor the place to use this thread as a place of personal vendetta. Please mail any suggestions via a different form. Thank you"

Nerdy: Yeah, sometimes advice can leave people thinking it's a personal attack ('cause it just kills them to be in the wrong). Just advising about the double posting. The rules do not state that members aren't allowed to do so. Thank you.

Not really a joke, but here goes...

Edit: "Last edited by El_Nino : Today at 03:20 PM. Reason: Accused of spamming, just like joke #270 =D"
1. Look at what I said before my "joke" it didn't have to be one to make people laugh, it was more a practical joke, the kind that make people laugh at themselves for falling for silly tricks :rolleyes:

2. I wasn't accused of spamming, I'm sure if my post was spam a mod or another forum member would have kindly told me
Please keep personal differences away from this thread. Moderators are here to inform people of such errors. This is neither the time nor the place to use this thread as a place of personal vendetta. Please mail any suggestions via a different form. Thank you
Sound advice... if you ever practiced what you preached

Terrible joke alert...

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

I know, it's prolly old but the blonde jokes don't really get old, do they? :p

I love jokes... but I also love fabulous quotes from TV... here is one that makes me chuckle:


David Brent: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, all right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.

(David Brent, The Office)

I found this to be rather funny :razz:

The Ladybird Book of The Policeman. (http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html)

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing England football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harthingy into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen saw that the three men were Beckham, Rooney & Crouch and went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows crap all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?" :biggrin:

Why thank you Jas :)
Your Ronaldo joke was a bit, childish....would have been better if the shark was his mate Jimmy.
Lmfao Jimmy.......LEGEND!!

Okay heres a Sisters one....



Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is
known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as
Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far
away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to **** us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking
faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious
thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So they split
up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister
Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because
Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both
of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast
as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run
as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down…

Top Rules Concerning Chocolate

==============================

10. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're

eating it too slowly.

9. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries

all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

8. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the

store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

7. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake

of calories all at once. Isn't that handy?

6. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the

fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out

of the chocolate to protect themselves.

5. Eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, for a

balanced diet. They actually counteract each other.

4. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

3. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look

younger.

2. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top

pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

... and the #1 Rule of Chocolate ...

1. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do

today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Drug addicts

Two Teenage girls were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that she would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two girls went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first girl how he did and she told the judge that she convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The girl told him, "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd girl)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your a-hole before prison.'"

This is kind of an old one (and sexual so beware, it IS in Humour and Debate :D)....but here goes:

A guy is walking down the street and comes to a ladder. On this ladder there is a small inscription reading "Ladder to Success". He looks up, sees that it goes far above the buildings, but decides to climb anyway.

He climbs and climbs, eventually coming to a platform where there's this huge woman sprawled out naked on a bed. She's beckoning to the man, and says "Make love to me or keep climbing the ladder to success". He thinks to himself "Hellllllls no!" and keeps climbing.

Climbs some more, comes to a second platform with a somewhat overweight, nasty woman in the same position as the first. "Make love to me or keep climbing the ladder to success". He decides to keep climbing.

Third platform, after climbing for what seemed like ages...beautiful supermodel ready and waiting for him to join her in bed. She says to him sexily, "Make love to me or keep climbing the ladder to success". He has quite a debate with himself before deciding that if it's gotten this good, it is bound to get better. So he politely declines and keeps climbing.

Climbs and climbs for such a long time. Finally the ladder has ended and he is standing on the final platform. He looks toward the bed and sees a fat, hairy biker guy laying there in butt-less chaps. He says to our protagonist:

"I'm Cess"

/me wonders if anyone has an idea of who our protagonist could be. She's open to suggestions :D

Life is GOOD! Ask Gramma.

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk
if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my windo w and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Comedy Central should get me to do the 3rd season of Chappelle's show....
noo..lmao, that wasn't a 'joke'!

Sure, Gio, sure.... :biggrin:

I can't be bothered to think of long jokes, so I'll give a brief one while I'm at it...

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the bridge? . . . .

Tequila *tumbleweed* :smile:

lol

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/3721/mission23no9.png

A doctor says to his patient

"I have bad news and worse news"

"What's the bad news?" says the patient,

"You only have 24 hours to live." replies the doctor

"And the worse news?"

"I tried to call you yesterday."

(sorry if it's offensive to anyone).

Well, if anyone on the forum only has 24 hours to live, I guess they'll only be mad at you for a day.

An elderly man is listening to the radio and it says to watch out on the A8 because a driver is driving the wrong way. He remembers that his elderly wife is driving back from the supermarket about now and that's the road she uses. He gives her a call and says 'honey, please be careful, I heard on the radio apparently a lunatic is driving the wrong way on your road, so look out'. She replies 'A lunatic? A lunatic?? There are hundreds!!'

Sorry, it translates a bit weird.

Glad it made sense then! In German there is a noun 'Falschfahrer' for someone driving the wrong way down the motorway, so the joke is a bit neater (and typically efficient, lol) because you can say 'there is one Falschfahrer' so the number reference is smoother... anyways, I probably didn't need to go into that.

Two nuns driving down the road when a vampire jumps out. 'Quick' says one 'show him your cross!' The other nun jumps out of the car and yells '♥♥♥♥ off you goddamned vampire!!!'

lol

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:

01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take ♥♥♥♥ from anybody.

10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

> HER DIARY:
>
> Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
>
> We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
> My friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
> bit late, but he made no comment on it.
>
> Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
> so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
> wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
> said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
>
> On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
> slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
> didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
> completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.. He just sat
> there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
>
> Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
> minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
> caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
> thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
> I'm almost sure that his thoughts are somewhere else. What a disaster.
>
>
> HIS DIARY:
>
> Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 , tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

A little boy about the age of ten, went up to his mother and asked how old she was. His mother replied and said, " Honey, you don't ask a lady how old she is." So the little boy nodded, then asked her how much she weighed. Getting slightly irritated, his mother replied, " You don't ask how much she weighs either." The little boy nodded again, and waited a few minutes. After those few minutes, he asked why his dad left her. " That's it young man! Go to your room!" So on the way to his room, the little boy saw his mother's purse, and saw her license. Picking it up, he went to his room.

About ten minutes later, the little boy came running into the room: " Mommy! Mommy! I found all the answers! It says you are 32 years old, you weigh 123 pounds...and I guess daddy left you because you got an F in sex."

o:

I've been thinking the same lately and I will ask everyone that if they wish to comment on a joke, or just to say "that's funny", do post another joke, any joke. Thanks.



Reminder. Thanks.


Oh right... forgot.

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

I've always been tempted to post here just to say:

You are.

:razz: :twisted:

I'll post a riddle today

EDIT:
A painter comes to a man's house to, well, paint! the man says, "I want this wall to be green." "GREEN!" yells the painter through the window. The man says, "I want this wall to be blue." "GREEN!" says the painter through the window. The man says, "I want this wall to be yellow." "GREEN!" says the painter through the window. The man says, "Why do you keep telling them to paint the wall green?" "My brother, a gardener, wants your neighbor's grass the be purple."

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii224/jsinghd/dc.jpg

Just a hole to pick at, SCSI and ISDN are hardware terms not software terms :twisted:

Just a hole to pick at, SCSI and ISDN are hardware terms not software terms :twisted:


Blahh the publisher of the joke =p

I'm a n00b when it comes to computer jargon :biggrin:

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other, across a pathway, for a hundred years when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head.'

Back in the day, when sailing across the Atlantic took a few months, a young man was beginning his career as a sailor. At the beginning of his first voyage he was talking to the captain about being a sailor, “Son, there isn’t a finer job. You get the fresh sea air every day. You get to see new things all the time, go to new places, and experience new things. Really, there isn’t anything this job lacks.”

“Well, said the young man “you do not have the company of women on this ship.”

To which the captain replied, “We’ve thought of that. You see that barrel over by the mast? Every night, after 10, if you need to, you go over to it, put your tool thru the knot whole, and your needs will be taken care of.”

So, that night, the young man having a need, went to the barrel and his needs were taken care of. The next day he said to the captain, “You’re right, with that barrel, this is the greatest job there is.”

“Great!” said the captain, “tonight is your turn in the barrel!”

Ok being me I gotta tell a chicken joke!

A chicken and an egg are in bed together. The chicken has this huge grin on its face and a cigarette in its mouth and the egg is sitting with it's arms crossed and has a huge scowl on it's face. Then the egg says "Well, I guess that answers THAT question!" :twisted:

Bad joke alert...
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture... There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet ees a bacon tree!'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that...Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe...go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... ees... ees...
... Eees a Ham Bush!'
Don't say I didn't warn you :p

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.:twisted:

Aerochick, your signature made me laugh more than the joke.


A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his
shoulder. A man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play
through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he could
NOT play through!" The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to
finish the hole. Just as he was about to make his putt, he was hit in the head
by a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and there was the deaf guy
looking at him. One hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers

Am I the only one that doesn't get it? :embarrassed:



lol... it took me a while too :razz: Basically, I think it's because he couldn't shout 'Fore!!!' - so he held up his fingers instead :razz: lol - cracked me up!

And your joke isn't as bad as this one Tasha.....


Do you know why Turtle Wax is so expensive?

Because turtles have really tiny ears :razz:

Bad Drivers:

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''






Perfect:

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.

3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.

6. Order in another language.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.

14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
Tempting. Number 7 amuses me the most :)

"Joke" time...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

This one's true:

There was a 6 year old boy and he was being abused by his parents. They went to court to grant his grandparents custody of him when it turned out that his grandparents abuse him too. So with no other option available at the time other than foster care the judge asked the boy, "Who do you want to live with?", In which the boy answered "The Miami Dolphins." The whole courtroom erupted in laughter at his answer. The judge then asks him "Why do you want to live with the Miami Dolphins for?" His answer: (His exact words) "Because they don't beat nobody"

Headlines:

These are actual Headlines!

Maybe we should re-read our headlines!



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one was in the SGV Tribune the other day someone called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.






Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?





Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!





Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!





Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!





Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!





War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!





If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!





Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!





Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!





Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!





Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!





New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!







Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?





Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!





Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!





And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Ok this happened to a friend and I last spring after school. We went to a grocery store near school to get a snack and 2 energy drinks. There was a lady in front of us in line. There were no other lines open that did not look busy and Sarah and I were getting kinda impatient. Well, old people tend to be nice and she politely apologized for taking so long. When she was FINALLY DONE she smiled at us and told us to have a nice day and waved. So finally we go up to pay, and the clerk said our total was 186 bucks. Sarah and I just stared at the guy and laughed and raised our eyebrows.

"Uh I don't think a bag of chips and 2 energy drinks is that much money."

He said that the lady in front of us told him that we would pay for the stuff she bought.

"Uh, we don't even know that lady."

He said "I'm sorry but unless you can catch her you are going to have to pay and you will be reimbursed later." So the pissed Sarah and I run out of the store and start yelling at the old lady who is finishing loading her groceries in her car. She doesn't make eye contact with us but starts getting in her car. Sarah and I started yelling louder, calling her a thief, and out of no where Sarah grabs her purse and tries to yoink her out of the car. So then I reached and started pulling the lady's leg just like I just did to you. :twisted:

A sadist and a masochist get married, in the beilief that they have the perfect partnership.

On their wedding night, the masochist says: "Whip me, beat me, hurt me as much as you can"

So the sadist

says: "No...."

Is there supposed to be something behind those spoilers?

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental, " was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental? " exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"

Click and drag over the text between where it says "Spoiler!" and you will see the hidden text.

PS - where in Alabama are you from? I was seeing a girl who lived in Jacksonville a few years ago ...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

HAHA I just got this email:
_____________________________________

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it out loud as
you scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. .




Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.




Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.





Think of either a
man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name




Almost there........






Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.



Take the hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level.




Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand.



Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?!





Of course not......


Now TAKE THAT
HAND AND smack
[edited] yourself,

get a life, and quit playing
stupid e-mail games!

/me thinks Saff fell for that prank/joke :razz:
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

And who said poems were boring? :razz:

Lol, good one Saffron!

I've got some good ones too and I'm not sure if they've been 'told' here before but here goes ...


BREAKING NEWS - MESSAGE FROM HM, THE QUEEN!!!

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-------------------

1. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(Look up 'vocabulary'.)

-------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spelling-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-------------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

-------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. However, a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

-------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left-hand side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you to understand the British sense of humour.

-------------------

7. The former U.S.A. will adopt U.K. prices for petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/U.S. gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup (ketchup) but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

-------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

-------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

-------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

-------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad!

-------------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

-------------------

15. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, and high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


* * *


GOD'S COUNTRY

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy atches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals, fish and crustaceans for sausages, steak, barra and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest. So God created sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh Day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes and sheilas, smelled the aroma of barbied snags chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!

LMAO
Out on the patio, we'd sit
And the humidity, we'd breathe
We'd watch the lightning crack over canefields
Laugh and think
"This is Australia.........."

I heard a variation on that joke, Proofreader. It was about Scotland and was along much the same lines, only with Scottish references... and then at the end the angel Raphael looked down on the wonderful paradise and said

'Not that I'm criticising, your Godliness, but doesn't this seem a bit unbalanced? One nation which has everything, a paradise on earth?'

And God replied:

'Just wait until you see who I'm giving them for neighbours...'

/me waits in the fallout shelter until the American and English have seen the last few posts...

Could see it coming...

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.

Haha! That is a very good joke, *AJ*

I have a rubbish one off ages ago.

Al-gebra
NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

2 snowman in a field.

One says to the other...can you smell carrots??

:razz:

2 snowman in a field.

One says to the other...can you smell carrots??

:razz:

lol.... and then the other one said...

"No... but I can smell coal"

*groan* :razz:

Be careful guys…


A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular B&Q Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene. With their hot looking T-shirts, it is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, & three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. In Superbuys you can buy wallets for 50p each

Be careful guys…

Haha at all of that. :biggrin:

A limbo dancer walks into a bar. He comes last.

A woman goes to a fortune teller...

Fortune teller: What would you like me to tell you about?

Woman: My love life, please.

Fortune teller: As you wish.

The fortune teller waves his arms around his crystal ball for a few seconds...

Fortune teller: I'm sensing that you are single, yes?

Woman: Yes, how did you know?

Fortune teller: Because you're ♥♥♥♥ing ugly.

How do you keep someone in suspense?

How do you keep someone in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow. ;)

I'll tell you tomorrow. ;)

Awww, you stole my punchline, I was gonna wait a couple more days :sad::twisted:

A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff.

Which of them reaches the ground first?

The brunette. The blonde has to ask for directions.

For anyone who has facebook (http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710/)

One of two really longs ones that I know/love.

Once, there was a red knight on a blue horse. He wanted to marry the king’s daughter and decided to go to the castle and ask the king himself. So he rides to the castle and arrives at the first guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse”, he says. “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?”, the guard asks. “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” So he rides further to the castle and arrives at a second guard. The same thing happens. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” And along he goes, to the third and last guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” So he finally enters the castle and goes to the king.

He tells him he is in love with his daughter and wants to marry her. The king tells him he may, IF he kills the 7-headed dragon that rules the woods surrounding the castle. The knight thinks this is a fair thing to ask and tells the king he’ll be back soon to marry the princess. He leaves the castle and arrives, again, at the third guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Have a good day sir.” A little further, he arrives at the second guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Have a good day sir.” And finally, he arrives at the first guard guiding the castle. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Have a good day sir.” And on his way he goes, into the forest.

After a small search he finds the dragon, moves closer and approaches the first head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” And with one mighty swing of his sword the knight slices off the first head: *SLASH* On to the second head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* Moving to the third head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* And of coarse the fourth head is next. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* The knight moves to the fifth head and the same thing happens. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* Next is the sixth head. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* And finally, he arrives at the seventh head of the dragon. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse!” *SLASH* So he killed the dragon and after piercing its heart, just to make sure, he makes his way back to the castle and arrives at the first guard.

“Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” Along he goes, to the second guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” And finally he arrives at the third guard. “Hello, I’m the red knight on the blue horse.” “Who? The red knight on the blue horse?” “Yes, the red knight on the blue horse.” “Ooh, the red knight on the blue horse! Come on in!” Now he enters the castle and prepares to face the princess he now can marry. He goes to the king and tells him that he has killed the 7-headed dragon and is ready to meet the princess. This is what the king said next: “I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and that of all my people, for killing the dragon. No other knight has succeeded before and now we are finally free of all the fear it caused. But I must tell you, I do not have any daughters.”

I've just bought a Scouse advent calendar. Typical isn't it...
all the windows are all boarded up, and some b♥st♥♥ds have nicked the chocolates :P

What do you call a slippery baby?
A midwife crisis.

It's hard to believe that Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.

What do soldiers eat before they go on parade?
Marching hors d'oeuvres.

My mate Sid has just been a victim of ID theft.

Terrible news.

Now we have to call him S.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue :P

The world's strangest laws

25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

Hmm, this isn't really a joke but it made me laugh a little bit whilst I was looking at the different things in the Control Panel, and I wanted to put it somewhere.

http://i484.photobucket.com/albums/rr210/matthewdwalker/noattachments.png

So I'm half-way to iSketch Forum Nirvana, yes? :) hehe.
/me meditates.

LOL, Pumpkin ;)

Some definitions

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. *Cashtration *(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. *Ignoranus *: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. *Intaxicaton *: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

4. *Reintarnation *: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. *Bozone *( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6 .* Foreploy* : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. *Giraffiti *: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. *Sarchasm *: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. *Inoculatte* : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. *Osteopornosis *: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. *Karmageddon *: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. *Decafalon *(n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. *Glibido *: All talk and no action.

14. *Dopeler Effect* : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. *A rachnoleptic Fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. *Beelzebug *(n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. *Caterpallor* ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Haha, numbers 1, 4 and 7 made me laugh. hehe. They're all good though.

Oh, I ought to do a joke, I'd imagine...
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it has to want to change.

I laughed so much this picture made me cry:

http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z61/ajuk7/OAPFrame.jpg?t=1233698573

Kinda bad but funny, imo:

http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z61/ajuk7/Alzheimers.jpg?t=1233698905

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough [*CENSORED*]. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

Finally the most important tip
I LIKE THIS ONE BEST.

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman's Way
left over wine???? Helllloooo

Be careful out there.

Apparently terrorists have planted booby trap bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spagetti.

If they go off, it could spell disaster ....

:biggrin:

My 6 year old nephew told me this one.

What did one log say to another log?

Nothing. They're logs.

How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to tell him he's screwing it the wrong way.

Why did Karl Marx drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea's evil!

This is not actually a joke, but I found it in one of my programming text books at Uni - in the Glossary:

Infinite Loop - see Loop, Infinite
Loop, Infinite - see Infinite Loop

So there were two muffins in an oven,
and one says to the other 'man its getting hot in here'
and the other one replies 'AAAH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!'

At a U2 concert, Bono asked the audience for complete silence. When it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, he starts clapping his hands, one clap about every 3 seconds. No other sound can be heard. Then he says into the microphone:
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies of hunger."
A voice is heard from the audience:
"WELL - ♥♥♥♥ING STOP IT THEN, YA CRUEL BASTARD"

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!



When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.


"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this (pointing to the bowl)?"



"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding its breath.

lol deadlock....

that reminds me of this one....

whats brown and sticky?
a stick.

you guys would like this one... I think or at least home so :razz:


Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

|No idea.|

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

|Still no idea.|

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo
of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery

I'm liking your jokes Butterfinger :)

-digs out a nerdy one-

What do you call a mathematician drumming on a tree?
Logarithms

Oh and One day a man wandered into a dentists surgery and said:
Dr, Dr, I feel like a moth.
The dentist replied, well why did you come here? I'm a dentist.
And the man replied, "Because the light was on."

Haha, the second one of those made me laugh.

Umm, I will try to think of one...

Oh, there was a tap on my bedroom door when I woke up this morning.
I really ought to fire that plumber.

Thank you sorsie. All of mine came from friends long ago that i've kept in my e-mail. Time for another one now. LOL

Just Fred...

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

I really didn’t have a good day today.
I was jogging around my local park when two men holding different bottles of liquid came up to me.
One of them threw sodium hydroxide and another threw hydrochloric acid.
I just didn’t know how to react to that.

Groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn

+1 That's almost awful and not punny!

I've had a crap day. Someone threw a prawn cocktail over me, and that was just for starters.

I dunno? Any chance you can tell me tomorrow? ;p

What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

:lol: Great one 830 :razz:

Hmm... don't know too many jokes :S


Just spent ages waxing the car....

Still not sure how it gets that hairy!

I got this one from my nephew.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
He was laughing for ages :P

That is so awful! Can't believe you posted it!

I was watching Question Time last night in an episode where they allowed complex numbers on the show.

I liked that episode because I found the arguments they had to be quite interesting.

Aaaaargh! :rolleyes: :cry:

http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp46/Roaryroars/tumblr_lj4bz2uxgF1qie5lqo1_500.jpg

http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp46/Roaryroars/129209375991818232.jpg

http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp46/Roaryroars/8d6fd66e-ede5-4b01-9492-6181f957c854.jpg

http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp46/Roaryroars/funny-pictures-fighting-jerry-springer-cats.jpg

Hahaha! Cat fight!

It was reported today that a certain politician was admitted to intensive care early yesterday due to a severe infection in an abscess on his hip, thus i would like to request everyone's prayers and positive thought for the health and well-being of the bacteria.



Bump.
COuldn't resist posting this. LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c

Okay this is my favourite, I can't not post it.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

What do you call a Mexican whose lost his car?
Carlos. |D

Haha! I laughed at both those!

Haha! I laughed at both those!


Shame on you. Where's your joke? :razz:

Here's my contribution, though some may've already seen it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgYhLIThTvk

A bit lengthy before you get to the punchline, but it's worth it... trust me.

Trust you?

I wasted nearly 20 mins of my life which I will never get back!! :eek: :rolleyes: :cry: :twisted:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Makes me chuckle!

Prolly been posted before too!

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?” :rolleyes:

Owuch!! :disapprove: Painful!

lolcats chime in with their thoughts...

On Dagon's submission:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jV241FFac4E/S_pcm9T2fNI/AAAAAAAAAaM/iqhE8eZBntM/s1600/lolcat_cat_laughing.jpg

And on Ouch!:

http://encyclopediadramatica.ch/images/a/a6/SeriousCat_nocaption.jpg


:razz:

But on the subject of animal related jokes:

My favorite has always been the one where the bear and the rabbit are both relieving themselves in the forest, to which upon arriving at the inevitable, the bear turns to the rabbit and queries, "Do you have trouble with s*** sticking to your fur?" The rabbit casually responds, "No, not at all. Why do you ask?" The bear then, without saying another word, proceeds to pick up the rabbit and wipe himself off...

http://rutaca.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/easter_bunny_gets_a_rude_awakening.jpg

Moral of the story: It's not good to be a rabbit.

http://i396.photobucket.com/albums/pp46/Roaryroars/IF.jpg

:lol:

http://image.spreadshirt.com/image-server/image/composition/17504986/view/1/producttypecolor/63/type/png/width/378/height/378/u-jelly-men-s-color-tee_design.png

A woman is in a coma. While washing her intimate parts, a nurse notices a slight pulse. She calls her husband, and explains to him "... so I have a theory that if such slight stimulation can give her a pulse, oral sex just may wake her up completely!" "Well okay, I'll try if it helps her" says the man.
The nurses wait for him outside the room. All of a sudden, they hear the woman's pulse go flat, and rush in the room to see the man buttoning his pants. With a confused look on his face, he says "Yeah, I think I might have choked her."