OK, so we've had plenty of weddings recently (congratulations to you all and may you have happy lives) and coincidentally, it (marriage) is something I've discussed a lot with some people, and it's one of my favourite topics because it's one of the bridges I think I'll have to cross at some point. And, perhaps you too. Some of you have already crossed the bridge so it would be great to hear your perspective on this as well. For those of you who are still quite young and don't need to think about this yet, it would still be interesting to hear what you think about it now because I've no idea what kids think about marriage these days. I suppose I could ask my sister coz she's 12, but I've not done it yet... anyway.

So my question is basically:

Is marriage a life long committment for you, and does that scare you does it comfort you?

edit: can a mod please change the thread from Subway to Marriage? o.O xD

are you getting married to a sub?

I suppose the Spicy Italian wouldn't be so bad, eh? ;)


P.S Shhh xD lol. I made a decent effort to salvage the thread xD

oh my double entendre! is this a prearranged sub?:P

No, it was love at first sight.

lol Storm, too funny! I guess you're a bit hungry? :P

About marriage - I lived with my partner for about 2 years before we got hitched. Honestly, I don't care if people just live together - it's basically the same deal as being married.

I don't really know why we chose to get married in the end, just out of tradition I guess. Was a great party though :P

I lived with my one former partner for ~5 years and she always said that she didn't want to get married. I do like the idea of marriage though, and definitely with the intent as a life-long thing, but it didn't really bother me whether we did or not. As it happened, she was eventually the one who asked me.

Though it never came to fruition I still like the idea, even if I am rather pessimistic that I'll ever be in that position again.

lol Vik xD

Two slightly different perspective there I think. Vik says there was no particular reason why she got married, and Steiny says he quite likes the idea of marriage.

@ Vik: Mmm, so marriage to you isn't like cementing a commitment? Sort of saying, okay, this is it?

@ Steiny: Why do you like the thought of marriage? Is it because it's a committment?

I kinda see marriage as a team. So like in a team, the members of the team rely on each other and have responsibilities to each other and for the future of the team. Maybe there are team goals, like buying a house together. Whatever it is, it's a long term committment, in my eyes, and there will always be one more goal to achieve, a little more to work towards.

And I must admit, I function much better on my own, for various reasons. I just don't want to be responsible for somebody or have someone rely on me. I know they're not a kid, and don't need to be taken care of, but it's just that, when you marry someone, to me, it's like saying I'll always be here for you, and I just find that a very heavy statement to make, because who knows if I really will be there for him, forever and ever...? I guess one of the reasons I find the prospect of marriage a bit daunting is that there's still a lot of stigma attached to divorce where I come from, so it's not like I can just go, "right, I love you at the moment, and I think I'll love you for a while yet, but when I stop loving you, I'll just get a divorce - coz hey, it's only a marriage and a sheet of paper and not the end of the world". For me, it might well be the end of the world, if a divorce were on the cards, coz it just isn't an option, unless the husband turned out to be abusive or something.

So maybe what I'm asking now is, if divorce was not an option (unless it was a life or death situation), would marriage still mean the same to you?

lol Vik xD

Two slightly different perspective there I think. Vik says there was no particular reason why she got married, and Steiny says he quite likes the idea of marriage.

@ Vik: Mmm, so marriage to you isn't like cementing a commitment? Sort of saying, okay, this is it?


So maybe what I'm asking now is, if divorce was not an option (unless it was a life or death situation), would marriage still mean the same to you?

Good questions!

To clarify my stand-point on marriage and on mine in particular - I guess for me after the step of moving country and moving in together and of having been together for a couple of years and it feeling just... natural and like it was going to be forever whether or not we actually did the legal thing - that was already 'marriage'. Yes, cementing a commitment IS very very important, and some people use marriage to signify that (I think especially in cultures where living together isn't so common) - but we just kind of felt that from, well, I guess from about 6 months into the relationship. We're still the same people before and after the wedding day - still have the same goals, hopes, dreams etc. We're a team in every way and were before the wedding too.

I guess I was rather flippant about our wedding day before - it wasn't JUST a good party, it was also a celebration of us. The words we said to each other and the rings we gave each other mean something - but that something was always there even if it was unspoken and ungiven. What I mean is it's not changed anything. So, marriage cements a commitment? No, we do/did that every day of our lives. Marriage celebrates a commitment is more how I would put it.

That leads onto the second question - yes, marriage would still mean the same to be if divorce were not an option. I made up my mind who I wanted to eat with, sleep next to, share joys and hardships, make children with, laugh with and cry with for the rest of my life long before I said 'I do'. The marriage itself made that neither more or less real. It wasn't an 'oh my, I guess this means it really OUGHT to be forever' moment or an 'okay this is it' moment if I may borrow your words, because there was never a question of it. This is why I don't think people have to be married to have a life time commitment to someone.

So yeah, I'm not 100% pro marriage in the sense that you can't be with someone without it, and I'm not anti-marriage either. I'm pro love in every way however, and if that's how someone wants to express their love, then go for it.

Wow... marriage. I'm a girl so I automatically have strong feelings about it. For most of my life - until early this year, anyway - I deeply did not want to get married. I was anti-marriage, completely & entirely, for myself. But then I met my boyfriend. This relationship is so the kind that changes your life. I'd marry him. And if everything goes well, we really will get married -- after living together for a while!! After all, I've already told all my friends and repeatedly to my boyfriend that we will get married.

Both of us want to have a life together! I don't want to make my post TOO personal, but I really like the idea of marriage only when the bride and groom are really, insanely, committed to it. For example, my grandparents have been married... well, since their early 20s. Probably since they were 20. They're almost 70 now, and they're still married. Same with my great grandparents. OK, OK, so my parents are divorced and my mom has remarried and divorced again, but... meh. That may have inspired my desire to live single for life. I mean, I don't really believe in "soul mates" anyway, which is something some people can relate to marriage. But I don't believe in souls.

Realistically, I'd just like to live with my boyfriend for a while, and we'll probably see how it goes, then get married... but really, when he told me once on the phone (I asked him) that he kinda saw himself married, maybe with kids, in a house, my perspective started to kind of swap. But I don't want kids and that is one thing that will take plenty of effort to change. I mean, I'm 100% sure and serious about getting my tubes tied someday SOON. And after that, I'll probably be cool with the whole pro-life thing since it won't apply to me.

Also, being a girl, I think about the future a lot.

Anywho, I pretty much see marriage as a legal contract between two people, but it's traditionally also religious. I am not religious. That's just what really gets to me. I respect Christianity, but I don't follow it. I also see marriage as a two-person, man-and-woman thing. Marriage is also a social ceremony and socially life-changing event altogether. Suddenly you're "Mr." or "Mrs." and you share the same last name. You're suddenly, legally and socially, family.

I don't know what else to say right now. Gonna read what you guys posted.

Love's a tricky thing. Objectively, in most cases it's just a hormonal addiction that isn't all enduring and forever. In some other cases it's a creepy obsession. But let's talk about love. The hormonal thing isn't forever, the body tends to get tired of the stuff, like crystal meth, once you stop getting a kick of it you either stop or move on to other drugs. Since there's no replacement for that hormonal induced ecstasy, the body sorta gets used to the feeling and just sorta stops after a while. A lot or marriages end after 5 or 6 years. Some say if you pass the 8 year mark, you'll stay together for a while more, but thinking of the amount of divorces in the western world, i wouldn't count on it even if past the 8 year mark.

My grandma always told me, live, experience, try all the flavours before you marry one. She also told me it's best to marry a friend than to marry a lover. And finally, when i was 11, she told me "whatever you do, do have sex before you marry anybody. If the sex's ♥♥♥♥, it won't last"

I didn't understand this very well until i actually did hitch. I married a friend that i've had a long term obsession for; a girl that i've known for a long time and have both love love and friend love for her. I believe once this hormonal disease that causes the love love stops, the friend love will stay, and hopefully we can stay together that way.

Dunno if it'll actually work, it's a long term experiment i'm running. Might end up killing me but we'll see.

But in the end, it's like Vik said. Marriage is the same as living with your boyfriend or girlfriend without being married. Thing is, if it doesn't work out, you can always set your stuff apart and call it quits, prblem solved. If marriage doesn't work out... man that sucks for both involved.

@ Steiny: Why do you like the thought of marriage? Is it because it's a committment?
I'm not entirely sure, but I think that has a fair bit to do with it. I'm not gonna go in depth about my personal experience because it invariably becomes little more than a whinge-session :P

And I must admit, I function much better on my own, for various reasons. I just don't want to be responsible for somebody or have someone rely on me. I know they're not a kid, and don't need to be taken care of, but it's just that, when you marry someone, to me, it's like saying I'll always be here for you, and I just find that a very heavy statement to make, because who knows if I really will be there for him, forever and ever...?

Awww. Yeah, like you had said, I think marriage could be like creating a "team" of two people. But I also think that human beings need that -- an amazing, trustworthy friend (and sex buddy) who really promises to be there for them. I think it's really a strong commitment and I think that for a majority of mankind, in our culture, it is necessary.

For those of you who say that being married isn't any different (or not much) from just being boyfriend/girlfriend... I think that is interesting, and it sounds to me like a good idea in theory. It sounds like you already know how to live together and take care of each other so well. But it shouldn't be treated like an experiment:

I didn't understand this very well until i actually did hitch. .... Dunno if it'll actually work, it's a long term experiment i'm running. ...

... So, marriage cements a commitment? No, we do/did that every day of our lives. Marriage celebrates a commitment is more how I would put it. ...

Rights and responsibilities of marriages in the United States (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_Un ited_States)

There are big differences from being single (or "seeing someone") and married. But I do like the idea of marriage "celebrating" a commitment.

I don't really feel that marriage is necessary to form a strong commitment. It's originally a religious ceremony and although I'm not totally an atheist I don't believe I need to unite with someone under the eyes of God to swear loyalty to someone. If marriage meant a lot to the other person it's not something I would reject though. I guess I'm slightly apathetic to it. The tradition is sweet 'n all. The ceremony, gifts, honeymoon, vows, sharing surname. But statistically marriages don't last. So why risk the bother of going through a divorce.. Settlements, paperwork, lawyers... If you truly love someone, the knowledge of each others love should be enough to secure you. I'm rambling now.. Yeah..

But statistically marriages don't last.

That's true.. but they USED to. As time is going on, the divorce rate is increasing drastically. I think the latest figures for the UK was almost 2 in 3 marriages end in a divorce. Whereas, 50 years ago, you wouldn't have found that. Makes you wonder what on earth is happening to society for that to happen... :S Maybe some people have lost the meaning of marriage, I dunno :/

But marriage like you said, was originally from a religious point of view. I think people like to get married to show that they're committed to that person - no more sleeping around, for example. Or in the case of religious people, they want to find that one partner in life (a lot of the time) so marriage in their eyes is something that means a whole lot more, in terms of commitment and working to stay with each other.

I'm a Mrs, and I absolutely love it. Both myself and hubby are religious, so the marriage part was a strong thing for us both. :) I'm not afraid to say that. At the end of the day, people are doing some crazy things out there behind their partners' backs...

I think it's great going through the process of getting married. It's just that the stats for divorces are going up. But I think that's a problem with each individual couple (and perhaps society) rather than marriage itself. At the end of the day, it all depends on how a couple look at it.. or how an individual looks at it. I love seeing my parents happily married (even to this day) as well as my in-laws being happily married. It's just such a great feeling (gross sometimes, too.. lol). But it's nice seeing that one day that *will* be me and Mr Nerdy. We've only been married for 8 months.. but we sound and talk like an old married couple, lol. "when we're in our 60's.. if we're still living..." yadda, yadda.. lol.

Sorry, I was waffling somewhat.. :(