I've been thinking alot recently about a few dilemmas and thought it might be nice to have a discussion point for them. One to start off;

What would you do if you'd become really close to someone online and find out that their personality was true but they had lied about personal circumstances (ie married, kids etc.) or events that had happened? Would you see it as a cry for attention or maybe feel totally betrayed and cut off from them?

Feel free to add any other topics for dicussion :smile:

Oh, nice thread!
What would you do if you'd become really close to someone online and find out that their personality was true but they had lied about personal circumstances (ie married, kids etc.) or events that had happened? Would you see it as a cry for attention or maybe feel totally betrayed and cut off from them?

I guess a bit of both, but it would depend more on how they'd talk it out with me. Like, if they apologise and explained why they did such a thing, etc. And it would depend on how big a lie it was, and if it was something important for me. Normally if someone lies to me and they know they've done something bad and feel terrible about it, then I just carry on being friendly, but not going back to how we once were. If that made sense. We all do silly things for attention. We're all guilty of it in some form or another. If it's someone that I see on a daily basis, I'd rather not hold it against them too much. Life is too short. In most cases, I look back and think about how much someone has done for me..

I can't think of anything to add right now.. my head is blank. :S

This is a tricky one. I don't like lies, but it's not about whether someone lied, it's about why they lied and what they used the lies for.

Some people lie about who they are because they lack confidence in who they really are. They create someone who is more interesting (they think) than them. It's very easy to lie about appearance and lifestyle on the internet, and it's commonly done, again, more by people who think they're not up to much.

This is different though to people who lie about who they are and their life and keep a sustained lie. Even though you know their stories don't ring true. If they're using it to deceive someone, this is very different from just pretending to be someone else. If they're deceptive that's part of their personality and it can leave you feeling wary. As Nerdy says, you'd not trust them the same again, depending of course on the gravity of the fib.

Liars slip up eventually, always do... their tales become inconsistent and if they keep things for too long, people fall away from them and they're just left looking stupid. I suppose what really matters is what happens when you ask your friend, otherwise a good person, if they're lying.

If you know, or strongly suspect they're lying and they lie to you again, ditch them, it's not worth it, you'll always wonder. A real friend will trust in you not to judge and be honest about who they are.. because you like them for them!

If you know, or strongly suspect they're lying and they lie to you again, ditch them, it's not worth it, you'll always wonder. A real friend will trust in you not to judge and be honest about who they are.. because you like them for them!

Yeah, once someone lies more than once about something big, it does bother me, I'll be honest about that. I'll forgive them, but they won't be the sort of company I want to be with. Mostly because I like to be very honest to people in who I am. You just want the same sort of company, ya know?

I remember someone gossiped about me (someone who doesn't/didn't know me too well, anyways), and I was informed of this. Later when I went back to ask them if they ever have a problem with me, would they tell me to my face, as I respect and appreciate honesty. Their reply was pretty much yes they would. Which.. was a lie. And I've just learnt to be friendly with people like that, but not to get too personal. You do what you do to get through the day, and part of that is to not hold personal grudges. So hard sometimes, but it's easier remembering that life is too short. Better to focus on the positive things and positive people around you :) I generally try to stay away from people if I've seen obvious lying take place.

With regards to the lying, I'm not sure how I'd take it. I know a few people who have covered about certain aspects of their lives (like if they've got kids etc) and unless they had a very bad excuse, I don't think I'd go off on one.

However, if I found out they'd been lying about something that had happened in their life (accident, illness etc) I would never feel the same about them. I would hope that someday they would find the strength to tell me the truth and I would respect them for it. I guess it would be hard for them if they've become close friends but I would respect them for being able to tell me the truth. As you say though, I'd keep my distance because you don't know where you stand after that.

I could never lie to anyone online, I don't know how people can do it. Just because it's online, doesn't make it any less of a lie or doesn't make it hurt people any less.

It's actually really hard to know how I'd react to a situation like that. I think it would depend on how friendly I was with the person involved. I think in a weird kind of way, everyone online has a right to be who they want to be, the problems come when extremes are involved. What I mean by that is that I think almost everyone is not really themselves when they are online, because of the nature of online communication. It's easy to be confident when someone isn't looking you in the eye. It's easy to be funny when you've had five minutes to think of a joke in a way that wouldn't be possible in 'real life' conversation. It's impossible (other than via webcam/internet telephony, I suppose) to use your normal mannerisms and speech patterns. In the same way, people automatically fill in these gaps of your personality, in a positive way if you're a friend, and in a not so positive way if you're not. Every individual person will have a different view of your 'online personality' according to how they fill in these gaps. Unless an online user acts in a particularly strong way, positive, or negative, he or she really can be all things to all people. It really is a very disquieting thought, but I do think it's true, that none of us are really what we seem, although the intention to deceive is not there.

As for lying or being economical with the truth, it really is a very tricky subject. I think it depends on the magnitude and the intention of the lie. Of course, if a 50 year old man pretends to be a 14 year old girl for whatever nefarious purposes, then we'd all agree that would be wrong with a capital W. However, if a person with a disability that holds them back in the 'real world' chooses not to disclose that disability online, or even lies about it by claiming to have done things which in reality are impossible for them - can we really judge him or her harshly? If a mother with 5 screaming kids wants to spend her 1 hour of escapism time pretending to be the woman she was 15 years ago - can we deny her that? I think if the intention of the lie is to hurt people and to mislead them in a way that will lead to something negative, then it's wrong. I think if people just want to get away from their lives for a while, and live their fantasy, so long as it doesn't harm anyone - it's ok.

The problems really start when you start getting close to someone online - or rather when your 'fantasy you' if you have one starts getting close to people online. When that happens, even the smallest fib could have very harsh results. I actually met Mr. Vik via an online game, and we were honest with each other from the start because that's just in our natures, and it's good that we were because if one of us had been dishonest, I doubt very much we'd be getting married! Another problem is that not everyone uses the internet for the same purposes. Some people use it purely for escapism - some, perhaps like Facey, use it as an extention of reality, expecting the same treatment from their online contacts that they do from people they see day to day. With this mixture of usages, it's very easy for someone to end up hurt.

Sorry for the long boring post, but one last paragraph. Basically I think people need to use their instincts about others. I am not one to preach not getting too close to someone online, but I do think you need to use your intuition. Some people are so completely open and friendly that you can see it's their true character. There are others who choose to be a little mysterious or who hide themselves away a bit - and with those people maybe you ought to be a little wary. Be close, but not too close. To steal someones signature on here and quote Shakespeare 'Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.' Remember that if someone has been lying to you, their intention was probably that it wasn't personal. Behind every single post there is a personality, a life, a conscience, feelings and emotions, but to the vast majority of internet users out there, we are all just a collection of pixels on a screen.

I don't think I'd be able to really talk to them again because I'd always be wondering if they were telling the truth or not. Even if I'd only caught them in a little white lie, I'd always have to wonder what else they were misleading me about.

Excellent post Vik :biggrin: Very thought provoking and I certainly enjoyed reading it!